4 Random things about me!

#1) I always use mens deoderent. It smells good and works well. Everyone in the world should use it. My scent of choice at this moment in time is Victory. Hooray!

It is also in a cute orange container and makes a pleasant addition to any hygene storage space. Mainly my window cill. (Is it spelt cill?)

——————————————————————————–

#2) My favorite material possession is my pair of Gucci Sunglasses model 2432. I love them so much! I wear them everyday to and from work, even when it is not very sunny.

——————————————————————————–

#3) I spent about 4 hours in the last 3 days at work transforming my shoes. They used to be olive green, but now they are colorful and beautiful. I used nine different color sharpies and a sharpie metallic. I also named them. The one on my left foot, has a little silver drawing of me and colors all over. It also say’s Supa Fabulous! That one is Lucky. The one on my right foot is all rainbow colors and it has they symbol from HRC and say’s Make Love Not War. That one is called happy. Yes I am crazy.

——————————————————————————–

#4) I have conflicting issues about Vanilla Coke. I hate the coca cola company and I don’t want to give them any of my money or support, but Vanilla Coke is the best beverage that I have ever had. Damn them!!!!! I now that they wouldn’t even notice my boycot b/c they make so much money other wise, but that isn’t the point…..I stress about this daily.

——————————————————————————–

I left my hair down today and I am wearing my glasses for once. Let me just say I look suprisingly good today. Yay! Go me.

——————————————————————————–

I haven’t told my roommate anything about A.S. yet. See the thing is my roommate has a crush on A.S. He also thinks he is better than me and that my friends come over to the apartment to see him. So as satifying as it would be to throw this in his face I have to think of a way to tell him that is respectful to the situation. Meh.

——————————————————————————–

Your Ultimate Purity Score Is…
Category Your Score Average
Self-Lovin’ 81.7%
Never taken out of the packaging 65%
Shamelessness 78.6%
Has yet to see self in mirror 79.4%
Sex Drive 94.7%
The Pope is envious 77.7%
Straightness 57.1%
Felt someone up once 44.9%
Gayness 12.5%
Makes Dr. Frank-n-Furter look tame 83.6%
Fucking Sick 90.3%
Refreshingly normal 90%
You are 69.57% pure
Average Score: 72.7%

Take The Ultimate Purity Test
and see how you match up!

Some things have happened to me recently involving K.B. and A.S. This post is about that.

I would like to note that this is my journal and I write what I am thinking and feeling at any given time.

These feelings may not be long term, but they are honest and my thoughts.

—————————————

K.B. is my wonderful ex-girlfriend who is now my best friend in the world. She means everything to me and I love her very much. I will never not love her. We have a big long past together and she hold a perminent place in my heart.

A.S. is one of my newest and closest friends. He goes to college with K.B. and these past few weeks I have been getting to know him a lot better. I have been even starting to develop feelings for him. I already love him as a friend, but I think it might be more than that.

Also to the skeptics these two people meet all the requirments on my list.

A.S. called me last night and told me that he had been starting to like me in the romantic way and I told him I had been feeling the same. I felt nervous and scared but also happy and excited. We talked for a little while, but it was late so I had to cut our conversation short. we agreed to talk to each other tomorrow (today!) around 3ish.

After we ended our conversation I talked to K.B. about what had just happened. (I was at her house) Then I started to cry. I cried because I was scared. I love K.B. so much and I don\\’t want her to ever be mad at me or think any less of me. I also can\\’t lose her friendship. She told me that everything was alright and that she supported me and she thought that it was cool. Then we hugged and I felt alright agian. When I woke up this morning with her things were still good and she even teased me about it a little. That felt nice.

——————————————————————————–

I am still a little nervous. I am nervous b/c I want A.S.\\’s friendship I treasure my relationship with him and I think he is a fabulous guy. I don\\’t want anything to go wrong and us not be friends any longer. Also there are a few things that I just don\\’t do in my relationships.

I don\\’t do bad breakups. I never have and hopefully never will. I don\\’t like to end things on bad terms.
I also don\\’t do jealousy in my relationships. It is just not my thing. If you are with me I expect you to want to be with me and I expect you to know that if I am with you I want to be with you and you have nothing to worry about. If you want to see someone else talk to me about it. I will do the same.
I believe the honesty is one of the most important factor in any relationship. Also any new person I am with should be able to understand my relationship w/ K.B. and hold her as a close friend to both of us. This is great with A.S. b/c they are already good friends.

I have also never been very good at waiting for the phyical aspect. All my past relationships have moved ahead very quickly. I am also a heterosexual virgin. So that is something to think about. It\\’s actually kind of strange to think of myself as a virgin. (hehe) They\\’re going to take my slut button away!

Seriously though that part worries me a little. Not even that we are waiting, but I might not be very good w/ a guy or that he might decided that he doesn\\’t like girls after all……………..I don\\’t know this is just what I am thinking at this moment. These thoughts fade.

——————————————————————————–

One thing I will say on the lighter side of this is that when it comes to male/female relationships I believe that 2 Bi\\’s make a right.

(Bi=Bisexual )

I wrote a very long meaningful deep exposing entry for today, but I decided to save it for later in the week. It is such a lovely beautiful day and I want this to be a happy light hearted entry.

——————————————————————————–

I also don\’t like Le Tigre. I actually feel bad about this b/c they chicks in the band are so cool and they have such good lyrics. I just don\’t like the whole sound they have. Also I find the yeah yeah yeahs distasteful. I like bad music. I can\’t help it.

——————————————————————————–

The comments that I have been lately have been really nice and interesting. I know that the list of things I want in a lover. (be them male or female or trans) is a bit extreme and specific, but I believe that it is completely obtainable. You might notice I said nothing about looks this is because everyone is beautiful outside as long as they are beautiful inside. Everything I want in a lover is completely basted on character. Also I carry many of these traits or at least I try to and that is all that is important. Because of this I think that in the future I will definatly meet someone who fits this description.

——————————————————————————–

I am fairly confident. I have just begun to notice this. When I think about what I would like to change about myself few things really stick on my mind. I think that is fantabulous!

——————————————————————————–

PET PEEVE of the Moment!!!!!!!

Speaking of Self Confidence what the hell is wrong with people nowdays. Has anyone heard of this nex show on FOX called \”The Swan\” It premiers on April 12. They are going to take a bunch of \”Ugly Ducklings\” give them extreme makeovers and then make them compete agianst each other in a beauty contest after they are done to see who is the \”swan\”. UGG! I think that is horrible.

What I want in a lover

Intelligent
Compassionate
Understanding
Can make me laugh
Supportive
Complex
Interesting
Has decent morals
Smells good
Shares my common interests
Respects me
Thinks that I am beautiful
Has soulful eyes.
Cultured/ Worldly
Universally aware
Playful nature
Has relatively good self-esteem
Likes to have fun
Does not smoke or do drugs
Likes to experiment sexually
Honest
Wears a lot of color
Enjoys nature & thinks it is beautiful
Wants to see the world
Liks to learn about different cultures
Openminded
Not rascist at all
Likes all kinds of music
Doesn\’t care about money
Likes art and has taste
Respects and appreciates body art
Not homophobic (though I doubt any man or women I date will be straight.)
Does not get drunk daily
Good w/ children
Is a feminist. (even the boys)
Sensitive
Emotional
Shares good conversation with me.
Thiks that I am funny
Smiles a lot
Would understand my past.
Writes
Reads good literature
Not the jealous type
Can cook and would
Clean

March 26, 2004 - 12:01 p.m.

I asked about the Disney movie yesterday b/c my favorite Disney movie is Pete\’s Dragon and I had never heard of anyone else having it as there favorite. Of course it has just recently become my favorite. I rented it of netflix a while back and the realized how much I loved it. I know the graffics are bad and the plot is weird, but that\’s not the point.

I think I am a hard person to get to know. Mainly due to the fact that I don\’t truely know myself. I am not clear. I am dense and colorful and complex. I think all humans are. Even your average airhead has a lot more going on then you could ever imagine. I often wonder if I am going through a sort of 2nd childhood. I don\’t think I ever really experienced my first one. I made myself grow up to quick and then I soon regreted it. I have wanted to be younger since before I even started school. I don\’t think I had a grasp at how breif being a baby really is.

I refused to ride in a car seat after I was two. I wouldn\’t let people pick me up very much and I always wanted to be treated like my brothers. I wanted to be older like them. Cooler. Then when I was around 4 I was to big to be picked up all the time. I started to have to go to daycare and I couldn\’t fit in the car seat. It made me feel strange and alone and confused. All I wanted to do was be with my mom and have her hold me. When I went out I would always tell people I was younger than I was. When it came time to go to the screening for kindergarden I acted up a little and showed them that I was to immature to be there. Then the next year when we had to be screened agian I tried to do the same thing, but it didn\’t work. I had to go.

I know all of this seems dramatic, but I think it shows signs of deeper things… I have always had these feelings. I have always been bad with remembering.

I think I was sexually abused as a child.

I also believe that thinking and not knowing is what makes things so difficult….

I want to become a person that I would be proud to be. I am almost that person. There are just a few things that I can\’t overcome… things I haven\’t even talked about on my Xanga… things I most likely never will. Somethings are just to personal. So how can I talk about sex, abuse, drinking, smoking, drugs, being gay, and self mutilation and not the other thing? I have no idea. Possibly b/c it still bothers me and I have yet to overcome it. At this point it is my unicorn. My thing to deal with and get over.

Maybe I still am so insecure…but aren\’t we all?

Nobody is perfect, but we can all pretend.

I don\’t want to be perfect. I just want to be happy and free.

If I were a sea animal I would be: Starfish

If I were a historical figure I would be: Joan of Arc

If I were a liquid I would be: Rain
I were a stone, I would be: Diamond

If I were a tree, I would be: A Willow

If I were a bird: A penguin!

If I were a flower/plant I would be: Lilacs, they smell good!

If I were a kind of weather: Sunshine and warmth

If I were a mythical creature: like shreck

If I were a musical instrument: A viloin

If I were an animal, I would be: A Giraffe

If I were a color, I would be: Pink!

If I were an emotion, I would be: Optimistic

If I were a sound, I would be: Laughter

If I were an element, I would be: Fire

If I were a song, I would be: “Wild Horses” the Sundays

If I were a book, I would be written by: SARK

If I were a food, I would be: eaten

If I were a place, I would be: A playground!

If I were a material, I would be: 2000 tc. cotton

If I were a flavor, I would be: Sweet

If I were a scent, I would be: Sweet Pea

If I were a subject in school I would be: History…True history, not the b.s. they dish out now.

Something I think about a lot is this….

If my younger self met me know or knew what I would turn out to be at this point in my life, would I have been happy about it?
Would I have wanted to be this person?
Do I want to be this person right now?
The truth is that I don’t know. But it is constantly on my mind.

I think that I am slowly becomming the person that I want to be. I always try to be positive about myself and I think that’s a good thing. I try to never say anything bad about myself out loud or even think it. Sometimes things slip, but it’s human. Instead I strive to focus on all of the positive things about me.

I think my wardrobe has taken a turn for the better. Maybe not right now, but this past year. I used to dress very drab. Mostly because I felt drab. I also used to wear guys clothing all the time. I didn’t even own a skirt. I’m not saying that is bad either, but it is most definately not me. I love color and glitter and skirts and tights and being fabulous! That is what makes me happy. That is who I am.

Last year in high school I was voted the most unique in my class. I thought that was really awesome. It made me happy knowing that I was just being me.

I think that my younger self would be amazed at how far I have grown and changed and how happy I am. I wasn’t happy very often as a child or in my younger teenage years. I though I would never be able to be happy agian. Now I find everyday is a mixture of emotions and that no matter what sadness occurs in my day there is joy in it too.

I still cry a lot. That is one thing I wish I didn’t do so much. However there are other times when by all means I should cry and I just can’t…I become like a shell. I just have to work on it.

I have also been told I write to much. I think it’s because I write how I think and that is in excess. All just part of the Angela lifestyle.

I do however truely think I was supposed to be born as a gay male crossdresser. It would just make so much more sense. Oh well….I am my own type of person.

Yay! It’s monday morning and I am at work. This is not actually as fab as I would have you believe, but I am trying to look on the brighter side of things. It’s worth a shot I suppose.

——————————————————————————–

I had a lovely weekend all in all. It had it’s moments of yucky dispair, but mostly I had a nice time being with people I care about. I will tell you a little about each day.

Saturday:K.B.’s class was cancelled at the last moment so she was able to spend time with me on Friday night and spend the night. We woke up pretty early and I cleaned up a little more and I did laundry. Then we went to Wegmans and I got some sushi to eat for lunch. (Their sushi wasn’t very fabulous. )Then we took a shower and watched some QAF. We needed to pick up A.S at 5 so we left at about 3:30. THEN we got stuck in traffic at the Wachovia Arena which is right by my apartment so we ended up being really late to get A.S. Then we ate dinner together at ESU w/ his friend Jill who he wants us to get the apartment with next year. She seemed really nice. She said things that made me laugh which is good, b/c my humor is strange and not a lot of things make me laugh. I think things would work out if she was my roommate. So we eventually get back to the apartment and K.W. is waiting for us. We decide to go see a movie. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, b/c it looks good and Kate Winslet is in it. Yay! So we go to see the 10:30 showing. When we get to the parking lot…..it happens.

My newest Collision…meh.

So K.W. was driving his dad’s car which was a pretty nice expensive looking car. We were in the parking lot and he was looking for a space. It was dark out and raining and he was going faster than he should have been going. There was a break in the parking lot where a second road crosses and there was a police car right next to us. We didn’t stop and we hit a car. *bam* Not good! K.B. was in front and the air bags went off. A.S. and I were in the back. Me and A.S. didn’t get hurt, but it scared us a lot. K.B. got bruised from the seatbelt and K.W. burned his thumb from the airbag. The people in the other car didn’t get hurt, but the driver was pissed. I would have been too. He said is was a brand new car and it got pretty banged up. The SUV that we were in didn’t get much damage done to it….but still. So the car had to be towed and the owner of the theater let us go inside b/c it was raining and we were so cold. K.W. had to call his parents and they gave us a ride back to the apartment. We decided to watch a movie at home mainly I guess to get our minds off things, but I ended up falling asleep on the couch. I don’t do well with staying up late. Everyone went to bed at 3 am. I beginning to think I should stay out of cars for good. There seems to be a pattern.

Sunday: When we all woke up, K.B. and A.S. and I figured we would go to Allentown. We wanted to at least do something. K.W didn’t want to go b/c he wasn’t in the mood, which I understood. So he stayed there and we went. We left at about 3 and went to the mall, pizza hut, and borders. I got a book on QAF. (i’m obsessed. It’s sad.) We also went into gap and I got the see the pink man shirts for myself. *yay!* They were scratchy though and 19.95. *boo!* So of course I didn’t get one. Then we got home and went to bed.

That was basickly my weekend. Though I think the next time A.S. comes over or I have anyone over for that matter I’m not going to make it a big deal to go out anywhere. I have a lot more fun just being with my friends and hanging out doing boring stuff then I do going out.

——————————————————————————–

Also even though the car crash was horrible I felt like I got closer in my friendship with A.S. which was a lovely thing. Yay! New friends rule. I have also noticed that I am less guarded around him than I was….more trusting of him with my emotions. Which is good. I need to learn to trust people. It also helps that he reads this I guess. These are my thoughts and this is my place to be myself so if you can handle and appreciate what I have to say here than you can handle me……

——————————————————————————–

I feel bland today…not very colorful or happy. I went to physical therapy this morning. It was my 1st visit. K.W. came with me. I know he had to because he needed to go with me to work to meet his dad, but it was still nice to have someone waiting for me when I was through. Nothing big happened he just touched my back alot to see what the problem was and made me do weird things with my arms. Then I laid on the heating pad for 15 mins and I was done. He said we would do more as the weeks went on. He also gave me homework. I have to do this simple streach 2 times a day, ten streaches each time and I have to hold them for 10 seconds each. I’m supposed to do it in the shower with the hot water hitting me. (I take cold showers!!!) Oh well guess it’s hot water for me. I have to go to therapy 3 days a week Mon, Wed, and Fri for and hour every day. Fabulous. It wasn’t bad. I just hope it makes me feel better. The doctor told me though that the area I’m tightest in on my back would cause the exact kind of headaches I am getting if they are pinching a nerve. So he said that he should def. be able to get rid of them. Hooray! I still think all I need is a good massage, but whatever.

——————————————————————————–

I’m sleeping over at K.B’s house tonight, but she is not going to be home until 10:30. I think I’m going to stay late at the office. I don’t like going to her house when she isn’t there. Not to fun. However I will get a chance to continue working on my speech and time to catch up on what everyone is doing on Xanga.

My enties have been a little lack-luster lately. I think it has been going along with my mood and mostly my headaches. I have been getting them a lot and they have been very painful. It makes it hard for me to get down to it and make a very good entry. I need to save my money a lot these next few weeks. Rent is coming up agian. I wish we had a 3rd roommate things would be so much easier. I have to talk to Stephanie and find out if she wants to live there.

—————————————

Also I love the QAF 3rd season soundtrack. The included a second cd of the rock type songs. *Bliss * They should have been doing this with every season.

My Newest Collision!

It was a snowy morning today, but not to snowy. I decieded to go to work as usual anyway taking the PA Turnpike instead of 115. Sounded like a good idea. Anyway I was driving along and I got to the point where I had to get off at my exit. Then I noticed the road was blocked off right after the exit and that everyone had to get off. So as I’m getting off the exit some asshole doesn’t see that the road ends and hits the side of a cone and then the rail. Meanwhile the cone gets propelled into the middle of the road directly into my path. So I hit the fucking thing and it rips the plastic guard from around one of my wheels and gets lodged under the other. (uggg….) So I pull over and look at the damage. (cringe) and pull into a gas station to call my dad. I also notice that my oil light has turned on. (oh no) So I call my dad and he sends my mom to get me. The oil light turned off soon after. So I waited for about 1/2 an hour w/ Sebastian and then my mom drove me to the office. The my boss had 2 of his workers go out and take a look at the car. They brought it back and had gotten the cone out and also fixed the plastic peice. They said my oil was alright and to just keep an eye on it. Hooray! I was sure I would be without my beloved car for a while. So I have it back and everything is alright. Whew! I got lucky agian. Trouble better stop trying to find me!

—————————————

I got my daffodils from the American Cancer Society yesterday and they are gorgeous! I love having flowers on my desk. So pretty!

it occurs to me that it is St. Patricks Day. So to all of you Irish people out there I hope you get lucky today! heh.Yay! It used to be my favorite holiday when I was younger. I always wanted to get married on St. Patricks day. In a meadow while wearing clovers in my hair. Good thing I’m not doing that this year. We would all be covered in snow! All weddings aside though I am not wearing a single piece of green so I expect to be pinched a lot today.

——————————————————————————–

My day yesterday was alright. I was cold and shivering in my birks with all of the snow. grrr… I also couldn’t go home so I stayed at K.B’s house which is usually very nice b/c I love being with her, but me and my roommate were supposed to go shopping for groceries. Now we have to wait until Thursday night. We haven’t gone since the very beginning of February. We have no food in the house at all. Not good.

***************************************

I have a headache right now that is slowly draining away my will to live. Where is the asprin when you need it??