I don’t know if any of you have noticed this, but I am not a small person by any means. I am actually a quite large person. I have been since about the 3rd grade. It’s not new to me. I am by definition fat. Don’t worry. You don’t have to tell me that I am not and this post is my no means about my self loathing. This all may be fueled by the fact that I went to see Jean Kilbourne speak last night, or the fact that I just finished up with The Vagina Monologues where in some of the performers were talking negatively about their bodies. It could also be the fact that I was thinking about going to Subway for lunch and I have a Subway related story to share.

I have so much to say about this topic that I feel like I could write a book. It’s so complex this issue we all have with our bodies. I don’t mean just women either. It’s an issue we all seem to share at one point or another.

The program I went to see featuring Jean Kilbourne was good, but mostly things I have already heard. I think it would have been interesting if they were able to do a series of lectures so we could delve deeper into the issue. The Mrs. did buy me her latest book so I am looking forward to reading that and seeing if it goes a lot more into detail.

People talking negatively about their bodies have always really bothered me. I try not to do so as much as possible and I really take notice of what other people say about their own bodies. While I was doing The Vagina Monologues I heard many of the girls doing the play saying negative things about the way they look and to me it just misses a whole part of what the play is about. I also think that many times girls will say negative things about their bodies to me so that they feel like we can relate. Women who don’t hate their bodies are looked down upon, picked apart and people assume that they are stuck up. Perhaps that is why women who are classically beautiful continue to pick themselves apart. Because they feel like they have to. I never know how to react when someone tries to connect with me in this way. Saying things like, “God I feel so fat today. You know what I mean?” Uhh… Being that I am fat I guess so? It’s just odd.

I was at Subway one time getting sandwiches for my coworkers to eat for lunch and I was behind a very thin antsy woman. She turned to look at me as I got in line behind her, looked my up and down and frowned. Ok. Whatever, bitch. I tend to be unapproachable in public because I despise small talk so I just lightly glared at her and she went back to facing ahead. Once we got to the section to order she ordered a 6” chicken teriyaki sandwich on wheat. She began a light commentary the whole time she was ordering about how she did NOT want cheese. It’s full of FAT!! She also wanted five black olives at most because they are such a fatty food and so bad for you! Vinegar! No oil! Guess what oil has? Ahh!! Can I mention she sort of aimed these comments at me as well as the sandwich maker? Yeah. So she finally finishes (No chips!! Just WATER! (She spoke in exclamations.)) And the sandwich maker comes back to me and we share a moment while rolling our eyes.

At first I just felt bad for this crazy woman, but this incident has always stuck with me for some reason. I guess it is just the way she picked me out and felt she could give me diet advice based solely on the way I look without us even knowing each other. I’m at the flippin’ Subway for Christ’s sake lady. Why don’t you hand out pamphlets at the McDonald’s if you care so much? Are you afraid to breathe in the FAT?

Another thing I have never understood is this (apparent) mass of women who are emotional eaters. Now, I have no doubts that this exists. It just seems a bit fishy to me whenever those women on weight loss commercials blame their weight on the fact that they viewed food as their friend. I can’t speak for any one except myself, but I have never been an emotional eater. It just seems odd to me that so many people would be saying that because in the period when I was really self loathing and hated my body I viewed food as the enemy and actually did have a borderline eating disorder for a bit. If anyone knew me or saw pictures of me when I was 15/16 years old I was actually about 80 – 100 lbs smaller than I am now, but I was so sick. The funny thing is when I was at my sickest is when the most people told me I looked great. It’s interesting in that way. I just haven’t been the type to take comfort in food. Don’t think that means I know what it’s like to be small either. Even at my lowest weight (156?) I was still in plus size bottoms due to my hips and pelvis.

Where I am right now I am at probably the highest weight I have ever been in my life and yet somehow I am still able to feel good about myself. I’m not perfect. I don’t even wear jeans because they either give me a “muffin-top” or are way to loose on my thighs and ass. Perhaps I should embrace even that about myself and just go out like that anyway, but as I said I am not perfect. There are things about myself that I think would be nicer if they were different. I also wear tights all the time when I wear skirts and I didn’t even wear skirt until I was 16 years old and discovered this type of super opaque black tights. They only come in black too so even though brown is a great color on me I pretty much rule it out of my wardrobe. I have gotten better over the years and I ditch the tights on super hot days during the summer. Still they are a wardrobe staple of mine. Another new wardrobe staple of mine? I call them spanx, but they aren’t really spanx. They are slimmers and I use them to control my top tummy. I think due to the fact that when I was younger I wore super tight pants my upper stomach above my belly button is my biggest point. It’s pretty embarrassing to me so I try to keep it under wraps as much as possible. I even had a dream once that I had a tummy tuck to get rid of it. So that is my confession. I do wear certain things and not wear certain things based on my body and my comfort level.

I know that at some point I have written about the sense of comfort I have with my body. I do use my size as a sort of “asshole detector”. It’s nice to know that I don’t have to worry about random people hitting on me because they think I’m hot and don’t care what I think or feel. I like knowing that people who express interest in me are sincere. I like knowing that my friends aren’t friends with me for any reason other than we get along. I’m just glad I don’t have to deal with so much of that. It actually makes me a bit scared to ever loose weight. I’m scared people may stop seeing me for me. I may just be the only person who enjoys being treated badly due to their weight. I just really don’t trust people and I love that I have that instant weight factor that gets rid of some people that are total jerks and I may never have know that before.

A few people (Yes, not just one) have told me that if they were my size or over weight in general they would kill themselves. Now a part of me is sad they may be over weight because surely it would spare the world a bit. I guess this should be such a huge insult to me. I mean goodness. I look so terrible that this person would rather be dead than be me? Really though it just makes me feel bad for them. Being overweight is no walk in the park. I don’t do many things now that I might try if I were smaller (smaller, not skinny) such as skiing and I can’t just go shopping anywhere I would like. (In fact it’s pretty much Gap and Old Navy for me) Are losing those things worth losing my life? No. Why? That is because there are so many wonderful things about life. My body is not my life. It’s the lovely vessel that takes me through it.

I took a few pictures of myself in the bathroom of work so you can at least see my from front back and side from a little below the waist up. Please keep in mind I am wearing my trusty tights and spanx so even this isn’t a fully accurate portrayal.

There are tons of things I love about my body. I mentioned my dislike of my stomach and to be fair we can add legs to that. There are so many more things I love. I love my eyes and the way they sparkle sometimes and my nose and the way it always seems to crinkle when I make an expression. I always seem to love my arms even though they are big and have a few white stretch marks, they are also flabby and my underarm shakes when I wave, but I love them. I love my hands and the way they look when they are clicking against my computer. Let’s not leave out my breasts. They could be more perky (they were for a day when I was 15 I believe) but they are perfect for me and they fill out my tops nicely. I like my back and the way it feels when someone scratches it lightly. I love many things about this body of mine. Even if it is big.

The thing I don’t understand or can’t understand is why if me exactly the way I am now can be so okay with my body how it is possible that so many other people can’t see themselves that way. I guess it becomes so easy to get sucked into the vacuum of feeling like you should look a certain way or no one will love you. I think that is ridiculous. The only people who won’t love you are people who don’t want in your life anyway.

Perfection is something I don’t see as real and something I also don’t want for myself or the people I love. It’s in all the imperfections that I think true beauty lies.

I hope you’re able to look into a mirror at some point and really see yourself. Don’t see what society tells you should be fixed or what you think other people have better. Really see yourself. Smile at yourself. I’m not kidding. It may seem dumb and you may feel silly, but you (yes you) are beautiful exactly as you are; even if you don’t change a thing.

So my sister would like me to begin The Great Peep Debate. I of course decided to take the challenge nobly and open it up for discussion here on my blog.

The topic of The Great Peep Debate is are peeps to be consumed fresh or stale?

I am someone who will only eat fresh peeps. They are soft and yummy and cute. Cuteness is really something to look for in a snack food. My freakish sister however will only eat peeps once they have become stale. She thinks this is the only way to eat a peep.

So I now pose this question to all of you. When you eat peeps (or if you were to eat a peep) would you eat them fresh or stale? Which way do you think is the right way? Stale VS. Fresh!

We are going to compile the responses to see who wins.

I can’t believe how happy this new design is making me. I know it’s a lot of red, but I am totally in love with red. I am also thrilled that I chose poppies. I don’t know what it is about them; they are just so beautiful.

I am not done with everything I have planned though.

• I still want author comments (mine) to highlight. (I found out from Kerflop that this is built in so just a quick adjustment to the comment section in the code and it was done.)
• I wanted to get rid of the comment link so when I choose to not allow comments there won’t be a link for it. This is done using these instructions.
• The most important one to me was auto shut off comments. So that a week after I post the comments are shut off. I really want this because I get so many spam comments and as I mentioned before they really bum me out. I can’t for the life of me figure this one out. I may have to give up on this. I just can’t seem to get it to work. I may ask for help, but I hate being a pain.

My weekend was a little bit hectic. Friday night I had a party for Lia Sophia. My friend Ariana was planning on coming with me and I was going to pick her up. However first I had to drive a good distance away to get my kit. Then I picked up Ariana and we headed to the party.

Afterwards we wanted to go out to eat some yummy sushi. So we went back to Ariana’s house, picked up her little sister and went to meet The Mrs. at her job. When we got to the plaza Kalani (who works next to the sushi place) was getting out of work so we asked her to join us. I had a really good time and the sushi was just as good as last time. (I had the Fantastic Roll again.) When we were done eating The Mrs. and I went back to Ariana’s house and we didn’t leave till about 12:30 am.

When we got home The Mrs. and I ended up talking until 2:00 am. The next morning I woke up at 8:30 am and I was so tired. I had to get ready and out the door quickly though because I needed to meet Kalani a half hour away at 9:30 am. I ended up making it on time. Kalani and I went to New Jersey to go to Border’s. Neither of us ended up buying anything anyway. For me it was more so because I already bought my share of books for the month. Then we went to Macy’s and I was hoping to use my gift certificate to buy some coach shoes, but they didn’t have any red ones. That made me a bit bummed. After that we were both hungry so we went to Olive Garden.

Once we were done eating it was time to go. She had to be at work at 2:00. We headed back and I wanted to see some of the scenic overlooks. I then realized I had to pee really badly so we stopped off so I could go. We stopped somewhere with not a lot to see and one crummy gas station. I went in to use the bathroom and it was so horrible that I wouldn’t even walk in and the vision of what I saw still haunts me. No way. Even though I had to go really badly I could not go there. We stopped at a pizza place, but the bathroom was for customers only so Kalani had to buy a drink for me to be able to use the bathroom. Then we were on our way again and we stopped at a really pretty overlook. I wish I could have seen it in the summer of fall. Perhaps we’ll go again sometime. Then we got back to where I had left my car and she had about 20 minutes before she had to go to work. We decided to sit in the car and we were talking and listening to music and canoodling. Then she had to go.

Once Kalani and I parted ways I decided to call The Mrs. at work and see if her break was coming up. It was in just a few minutes! So then I met The Mrs. and spent time with her on her break. I had just had lunch at 11 so I wasn’t hungry, but I went with her to a pizza place so she could have lunch and I shared her fries.

Sadly after a short time she had to go and by then it was time for me to go home and prepare for my party that night. So I got ready and went and did the party. It went good, but I was glad when it was over. I was so tired.

I got a call from The Mrs. just as she was leaving work and she said she was going to make us dinner. Even though we were coming from two separate directions we both got home at exactly the same time. Weird.

Yesterday I spent much of the day redoing this website and then after work The Mrs. and I were going to meet up with Kalani to see The Last Mimzy. Kalani ended up not being able to work so it was just The Mrs. and I. We had dinner at Olive Garden and watched the movie. It was really good, but I don’t know if it was such a great kid’s movie. It was a bit intense.

Oh! Have you guys gone to the movies lately? WTF? We got a small popcorn and a small soda to share and they were HUGE. It was like a little bucket of soda and it was a small. Those two items alone also cost $10.00. Are you kidding me? Now I know why we usually sneak shit it.

After the movie we went home and went to sleep and today I am still tired. Yuck. I hate feeling tired and the bags under my eyes make me look 15 again. Not good, people. Oh! I am also breaking out.

Haha. Okay I will go now. Sorry for the recap, but weekends always leave me with a lot to catch up on.

EDIT @ 1:52 pm -

I almost forgot. George/Izzie!! They hooked up on Grey’s and it was FANTASTIC! I really like Callie, but if you guys know me at all you know I have been rooting for George and Izzie to be together from the beginning.

Here is a sappy clip video of them together before this happened.

This is a clip of them after. I was going to go with just a clip of them in the closet, but then I found this longer clip and I think if you are someone who doesn’t watch Grey’s, but wants to know what the heck I am talking about will let you know what is going on.

I went on my usual trip over to kerflop.com to see what’s going on there. She has been doing a How To Blog series that has been very interesting and informative, but it is taking me a while to understand. Anyway, I went there this morning to see that she has a free wordpress template that you can download and customize. So of course I had to get in on that since I really love her simple but beautiful designs. Now I just have to figure out my graphics. Which I don’t think will be easy.

I have been trying to use this entry by Dooce to help me figure out how to design my header, but I think my photoshop program is a lot different than hers because some of the processes she sites I can’t even find.

So hopefully I will be able to figure this one out. (I am even reading the Read Me file!) If I do I will likely keep using it on a long term basis and just renew the color scheme and graphics as the mood strikes me.

Keep your fingers crossed! This may be the last time.

I am hoping to be done or at least have a new regular entry up by 5:00 p.m. est today.

EDIT @ 12:36 pm - Since I know you guys are so interested in everything I am changing as far as my design goes (I joke) I am going to make a note of everything I am changing (yeah, not joking about that).

First I edited the Author info to reflect a little about me. I then wanted to add my Flickr badge. I thought I remembered reading something on Kerflop. Sure enough I found the post I was looking for and went to the site she mentioned to get the info. I messed around with that until I was happy with it and you can now see my tidy little flickr badge over there on the right.

Then I wanted to mess around with the images a bit because I think it would be weird for Jessica to be browsing the internet and keep seeing her old design. I also like to make things feel more me anyway. After a teeny tiny bit of thought I decided to go with a poppy theme that will hopefully last me until Fall. (If I get it right.) So I quickly found the perfect picture of a feild of Poppies. Then I cropped it to the dimensions of that tiny little top graphic and unloaded it to replace the other one. I wasn’t sure how I would feel about it because of course you won’t be able to get much flower detail only the new colors. However, I think I’m in love. It looks like sparkles to me which is so perfect. I am now going to start on the main side graphic which I am sure will take more like. Hang in there!

EDIT @ 12:57 pm - It took a lot less time to make the header than I thought it would. See it over there on your right? I found another field of poppies picture with one detailed flower that I really loved. I created one version with text and another without because it’s hard to tell on my image editor what will look good and what won’t. I am really happy with the way the one with text come out and I am thrilled to have my little tagline back. Next up? The background. I’m scared of this because it can so deeply effect the whole page. I would like to do a simple graphic that would go with my images, but I am not sure where I would find that. I am also considering a photo of grass in the same shade as the grass in my poppy header. They way it would match. Here it goes.

EDIT @ 1:17 pm - Okay. I tried making a background with the flowers. Not good! Too many flowers! Sorry, but you’re going to have to look at this for a bit whilst I rework.

EDIT @ 1:22 pm - Again I thought that would take a lot more time. Is it too much red? I am eventually going to make some of the links and titles red so if it is too much with the background let me know. Until I get a yay/nay on the topic of the red background I am going to leave it be and work on other things. The last image I am going to change is the little one at the bottom.

EDIT @ 1:26 pm - I choose to crop one of the flowers from my header to sit down at the bottom as my footer. If you scroll all the way down the page you’ll be able to see it on the right. I am now done customizing the images on the site and I am pleased with the results. It’s time for me to change a few link colors and then I think we have the new design for sparkliesunshine.net!

EDIT @ 1:39 pm - I actually think I might leave it alone. I changed the entry links and title colors and I was considering changing the side link colors, but I think the blue adds a nice touch. Too much red and green might make it feel boxy and of course red and green makes people think christmas. Perhaps I’ll just change the hue of blue. The one up at this second is a bit caribbean to me.

So in my putting things off (which I mentioned last post) I only today heard from my downline and she let me know that my kit is with another one of my downline. Crap. So I got a hold of her and now after work I am halling ass to pick that up in Stroudsburg then I am picking up Ariana and then we are heading over to the party. Ehh. I’m tired just thinking about it.

My car is still about 1,000 miles over the point when it should have gotten an oil change and I need to put gas in it and buy new tires and I am just not in the mood. I hate spending money on cars.

Besides the actual jewelry I am all set for the party tonight. I have a gift for the hostess and two gifts for games. I am playing a right/left game and Ringo which is like bingo only with our rings. So that part will be good. I am also really looking forward to the party in general. I have a lot more fun doing Lia Sophia parties than Body Shop parties. I don’t feel as stressed out and unsure of myself.

After the party I am going out with Ariana for sushi. Yum! It’s also kind of funny because I went for sushi last night with The Mrs. Is there a limit on how much raw fish you can eat? I am going to get the same thing tonight as last night. It is called a Fantastic Roll and it really is fantastic. The only sushi I have ever had that we better was at a four star restaurant and it costs a whole lot more. This place is in a strip mall and it is a combo chinese/japanese restaurant. Anyway the Fantastic Roll is shrimp tempura with spicy yellowtail, salmon and tuna on the top. I tried to take a picture of it, but my camera has been utterly sucktastic. I wanted this camera because it’s the updated version of my older camera and I like things simple, but it’s bumming me out. I think it might have been the batteries dying so we’ll see how it does tonight.

Have you guys heard of Paperbackswap.com? It’s awesome! The whole thing is you post books you have that you no longer want, people choose your books, you mail the book at your cost ($1.59) and when they receive it you get a credit for a book of your choice. So really you can get any book you want for $1.59. You also get 3 credits when you join and list 9 books. I used my credits right away and got The Red Tent by Anita Diamant, The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver and A Prayer for Owen Meany by John Irving. Hmm…I just realised I bought one bible based fiction, one with bible in the title and one with prayer in the title without me realizing it. I am giving myself subliminal messages!

Speaking of subliminal messages from the lord I had sex. again. last night! Madness. No really! It is crazy! I think with sex the more you do it the more that you want to do it. That has to be the case because we have gone about 2 months without sex in the past and I’m all whatever about it. We have sex 5 times in one week and I can’t stop wondering when we will be able to do it again. We also even discussed getting a local hotel room for the night. What are we 16 again? Don’t think I am complaining either because I’m not. I am more confused at what brought all this on. I would go into more details, but I think I will spare you because I tend to just rehash everything and that will only embarass me later.

The Mrs. gets the 500 points from yesterdays post. She didn’t guess it right, but she researched it for over a half an hour to try and figure out how racism fit into my post. Hint: Don’t think too much into it. The lyric was part of a song in the CD she burned me from The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Perhaps I will make this some sort of real competition where the point mean something and you could win Lia Sophia or something. What do you guys think?

I forgot to tell you guys my sad story from Wednesday! Okay. So Kalani and I are driving to New Jersey. We are talking and it’s all good. I am randomly bringing up the cuteness of puppies** and she is wondering how the hell we go from talking sculpture and art to the adorable factor of certain animals. The we see a huge truck in front of us and there seems to be movement in the back and some feathers flying out. It’s ducks! Adorable big white ducks all stuffed on top of each other in this horrible truck. So we get bummed and we go to pass it so we don’t have to look at the ducks all caged anymore. We are passing the truck and it looks like there is a chunk of material blowing in the wind and when we are passing it we realise that it is a dead duck. Guys! It was the head and neck of a dead duck flapping in the wind as this truck of horrors plowed down the highway. Kalani drove really fast so we could pass it and I almost started crying because it made me feel so sad. Luckily Kalani was able to calm me down, but it still makes me feel all shaken up. Poor ducks.

Since I told you a sad story I will leave you with a kind of funny picture of me at the laundry mat that makes me laugh everytime.

*Are you tired of my starring things? I hope not since it is one of my favorite things to do. This lyric is from my favorite song of all time. Can you guess which version I like best?

**See I was already in a cute state of mind too with the puppies and I think we were also discussing what would happen if a bunny and a guinea pig feel asleep next to each other because it would be too cute to handle. Then I had to see the duck situation and it was awful.

I am numbering this because for the most part one paragraph has nothing to do with other.

1. This week is going a little rough for me. I feel like there isn’t enough time to get things done. I have orders to deliver to about 45 minutes away in one direction and my kit to pick up 20 minutes in another direction. I haven’t been preparing for my upcoming parties and bridal shows at all. I’m just really stressed out. I also have a horrible way of dealing with stress which tends to be to ignore the situation as long as humanly possible. Then I have a much bigger problem to deal with. I am trying not to do that this time, but I can’t find the hostesses cell phone number. I have what I guess is her work number and when I call some guy picks up the phone, I ask if she’s there and he say, “I don’t think so.” And hangs up! It is very frustrating.

2. In happier news I have been having a lot of sex lately. Tuesday night was awesome, last night was not very good** and this morning was awesome. It’s putting me in a very good mood.

In addition to the actual having of the sex there has been the eternal wanting of the sex which is different for me because while I greatly enjoy sex it’s not something I think about. Lately though I can not get enough.

3. Yesterday my wonderful friend Kalani picked my up from work and we went out to dinner in New Jersey to TGI Fridays. It’s interesting to me that I will drive an hour away to Allentown just to go to bookstores and the mall, but I never go to New Jersey which is even closer. I guess just the thought of going out of state makes it seem so much farther. The Mrs. was at work and called to say she wasn’t feeling well so we weren’t sure if we were going to do tacos, but by time 8:00 p.m. rolled around she was feeling better so we went.

It was a little lackluster anyway. Kalani forgot it was taco night and ate too much dinner so she wasn’t hungry for tacos and her tummy was also bothering her so she didn’t really want to drink. I was a little bummed the she and The Mrs. didn’t want anything because Kalani bought me dinner and I wanted to repay the favor by buying her drinks. That didn’t work out, but I think a better idea would be to pick up the bill next time we go out to dinner anyway.

4. Tonight I am going to see The Women of Distinction Awards at The Mrs.’s college. She usually wins one so it will be nice to see her get it. Then we may go out with our fantastic friend Ariana for sushi. Yay! Ariana called this morning to say she wasn’t feeling well so she may not make it. We’ll see what happens. Hopefully she will be feeling better because I have a bunch of stuff to give her.

5. I was in Washington, DC on vacation in February of 1999. There was a mall in the hotel we were staying at for the first three floors. I was shopping at a bookstore and I saw a book in the new releases called The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky. I realize that it is fairly popular now, but I had heard nothing about it at that point. Something about that book drew me to it and I bought it right away. I spent most of my time in DC reading that book while listening to The Cranberries on my CD player. It was the most influential book I had read up to that point because something in the story resonated so deeply with me. I just knew exactly how he felt. I used to talk about how much I would love to make my own CD of the songs he puts on the mix tape for Patrick. I had a copy of the book that had been read, reread and highlighted so much it was falling apart. I lent it to someone and they never returned it. I wish I still had that copy. I have bought the book about 5 times and I still don’t have a copy because I kept giving it away. Whenever I listen to that CD by The Cranberries I still remember what I was reading when I listened to it and how the story made me feel. Three years later The Mrs. burned me the mix tape on CD and gave it to me for my birthday. It is still one of the best presents I have ever gotten. I recently put that CD on my iTunes. I felt compelled to listen to it today and all those memories started flooding back. I have to buy another copy of the book sometime.

6. Have you heard about the Honest Photography group on Flickr? It’s an interesting group where we all embarrass ourselves by posting less than perfect pictures of ourselves and our homes. The conciliation prize is knowing that you’re not the only one who works in an office where it looks like someone threw a grenade on your desk. You’re not the only one who doesn’t constantly have a nice glowing smile and you’re not the only one who looks that crap at the end of the day. So for that the embarrassment is sort of worth it. I say sort of because of the pictures I put up there.

See what I mean?

7. I have a lot on my mind right now about topics I want to discuss so perhaps I will curl up with Microsoft Word a bit today and sort that out.

*Yeah, I went back to naming all my posts after song titles and lyrics. Remember the game for bored people? You get 500 points if you know why I choose this particular lyric.

**So I sort of drank a lot last night (Sorry Mom!) I didn’t realize it at the time, but I had 3 Cosmos (top shelf, no less), 1 Fuzzy Navel and 1/2 a double Malibu Bay Breeze. Being semi-drunk does not lead to good sex! I am talking for you or the other person. It is clumsy and a little heavy on the friction if you catch my drift. It’s also hard to have a serious argument when you’re a little sauced. I’m kind of glad it did go down like that because I am on my new 1 alcoholic drink maximum whilst out. This will also be beneficial to my bank account. So yeah, last night…not so good.

- Lately when I blow my nose there is some sort of blackish greyish matter* mixed in with the mucus. (I swear I don’t really examine it.) It looks like I was in a fire or around a lot of smoke, but I wasn’t!

- I really wanted to order sushi for lunch today (Fluke and Tuna, if you were interested), but it turns out that the place I wanted to order it from is closed on Tuesdays.

- Instead I ordered buffalo chicken fingers and fries. They forgot the fries so I went to the gas station** to get some. The woman there took an order that had been sitting under the heatlamp and put them back in the fryer for another minute then sold them to me. They cost $1.49 and were completely inedible which I guess works out for the best.

- I may or may not have seen a fruit fly flying out of my blue cheese half way through. I wasn’t sure and I staired for about a minute to see if I could detect any movement and even though I couldn’t I threw away the rest of my lunch.

- I started reading the new Oprah’s Book Club book because I am a dork, but I am bummed because I left it at home. So now I may start reading the other book I have had in my purse (Snow Flower and the Secret Fan by Lisa See) and been waiting to start. It really bugs me that I love to read so much and yet I rarely make an effort to include reading in my day. I really need to change that. At least since last years resolutions I have been keeping it a priority in my life.

- That yeast infection I had last month really sucked.

- Last night I went to an awesome independent book store near the bar. (It’s called Carroll & Carroll Booksellers. I would link them, but they don’t have a website.) It’s pretty small, but they have 45,000 books in store. It’s awesome because they sell new & used books. Everything is all mixed together and sorted by genre. I like that the used books and new books are right next to each other. I walked out with three books on my To Buy list for only $15! They were only $5!! I got Gap Creek by Robert Morgan, The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath and The Secret Life of Bees by Sue Monk Kidd. I also bought some books on Amazon.com on Sunday. There I bought The Glass Castle by Jeannette Walls, Water for Elephants by Sara Gruen (which I have been dying to read so much that I bought it in hardcover which I hate) and The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood. I can’t wait to start reading them. I will also have to go back to the bookstore when I have time to really search through all the books. I may also donate some of the books I don’t read anymore to them. It’s better than our local library. The woman who runs the place is a real bitch.

- My sister has been complaining lately about almost everything and it is really getting on my nerves***.

- You know what else get’s on my nerves? Dooney & Burke purses. First of all I see those shits for sale everywhere so don’t even try to tell me they are designer. They are over priced garbage. The only people who look cute carrying a D&B purse are 13 year old girls and they shouldn’t have a $150+ handbag anyway so I don’t see who is buying these things. They also have this strange coating like they have been shellacked to hell by some crazed art student who is laughing manically about the killing they will make on their acid induced cut+paste purse creations. I’m not buying it. They look like they were made for trashy girls who go out to the bar everynight, get drunk and throw up all over their purse. Only, hey it doesn’t matter because they have been super shellacked and you can just wipe that shit off and they are fine. Some of the bags aren’t so bad, like this one in red, but for the price you can do a lot better. I can’t wait until I stop seeing these things everytime I go into the fucking department stores.

- Uhh…What is up with this. I’m really not one to judge, but are you serious?

*When I was 16 the gas station I worked in burned down and they had to tear it down and build a new one. However the people who owned the gas station were so cheap that they made us work there anyway. We even worked in there the day after the fire when everything was covered in thick black dust from the smoke. We couldn’t clean anything because the insurance company had to come access everything. It was horrible. Whenever I blew my nose after a shift there everything that came out was completely black. I can still remember exactly how it used to smell. It used to make me feel sick. All we could sell was cigarettes (because does it really matter if they had smoke poison?), newspapers and gasoline and people used to come buy stuff anyway. It was about a month in between the fire and the opening of the new store.

**The same gas station I used to work at in the above mentionings.

***My sister (who may or may not be saying “Hello!” to all of you) was saddened by me saying that she has been complaining a lot lately. So that made me feel bad. So I complained to her for a while and now we are even. Woo hoo!

Two things I need to get used to about blogging:

1. Spam comments. They are a part of having a blog. They are annoying and you just have to deal with it. The thing is I never stop feeling sad when I see 81 comments in moderation and not one of those comments is actually for me.
2. I really don’t know how to take people ignoring my comments on their blogs. Partly because it confuses me. I mean, I love getting new comments. I really enjoy finding new blogs to read and people to connect with. Isn’t that the whole point of blogging? I am not talking super famous bloggers either. I often keep going back anyway. I keep leaving random friendly comments and seeing if I can get some sort of response. Nothing! I would link to the sites (yes sites) in question, but that is likely rude. Is this common? Perhaps it is the easy way for bloggers to try and weed out the people they don’t wish to converse with; they ignore them until they go away. Or maybe they are just too busy, they read my comments and enjoy them, but don’t have time to respond or visit my site. Has anyone else come across this? I mean over the years I have conversed with the Kerflops, Fussys, Finslippys and OMSHes of the internet. So why is it that at the sites I am referring to I get the ever present cold shoulder? I think I am a little too sensitive sometimes to blog. I need to stop thinking of it as a rejection.

CHEAP FOOD, SUSHI AND BEER.

On to people who love me. Last night I got a call from my friend Jayleen. She was upset because she got rejected from the Grad School she applied to and since it was the only one she applied to at this point she was pretty bummed. So I called The Mrs. and we decided to take her out. We’re a little poor so we took her to Burger King. It was still nice though because it gave us a chance to talk for a while without worrying about annoying a waiter. We were there for almost 2 hours talking. I had a good time. After we ate she decided to go back to her apartment to sleep and The Mrs. and I decided to go visit our friend Kalani at work. We talked to her for a while, but they were starting to close and we didn’t want to get her in trouble.

I wasn’t hungry at Burger King and only had a small milkshake (which was actually ice cream in a cup because it wasn’t really mixed) and someone who works with The Mrs. told her that the Japanese place in the plaza has really good Sushi. So we decided to go there while we waited for Kalani to get done with work. I had some yummy tea and I didn’t put any sugar in it! That is one new habit I am trying to get into tea without sugar. I typically put 4 sugars in each of those tiny cups and I think artificial sweeteners are the devil. I also had 2 pieces of Fluke sushi and 2 pieces of Tuna sushi. Yum! The Mrs. got the Tuna roll which I usually avoid because I hate seaweed. However she gave me a piece and it was really good. We will definitely be going back there some time.
As soon as we got the bill and paid Kalani called saying she was done. So we went outside to meet her. We figured it would be easier to take one car so we got into hers and headed over to the bar.

I had a good time, as always. The conversation was a little sadder, but it’s good to be able to have deep conversations with your friends. It was still a wonderful time.

Now I can’t wait until our Monday night wing date. It’s going be so much fun. I am also meeting my friend, Jayleen, earlier because we are going to go to Target together.

MUSIC TASTES NOT SUITABLE FOR WORK

I really enjoy Regina Spektor and I often try to listen to her at work, but her musically styling is a little too strange for the office. While listening to Just Like The Movies my boss paged over to me we had the following conversation:
Him: “What the hell are you listening to over there?!”
Me: “Uhh…music, Regina Spektor.”
Him: “Well it sounds like some sort of cult chant! Turn it off.”

Alrightly then.

Oedipus has also been an unpopular choice, which stinks because that is a beautifully sad song. He doesn’t complain about much of the music I listen to. So far it just been Regina and Kate Bush. I can’t blame him too much. The choruses sound a little crazy. He did have a mini heart attack once when he came in and I had The New Pornographers album on my desk.

Him: “What on earth is this?!”
Me: “Uhh…it’s an album. Their music really doesn’t have anything to do with the band name.”
Him: “Looks like smut to me. Get rid of it!”

So I had to put it in a drawer. Did I mention that my boss is also my father? He’s kind of nuts.

KIDNAPPED!

I just got a call letting me know Jayleen and Kalani were going to pick me up from work tonight and that I had no say in the matter. I was planning on driving up there myself and just not drinking tonight so now I can have some drinks. I think that was so sweet of them. I can’t wait for 5:00 now! Woo hoo! I really hope I am able to leave work for a half hour so I can pick up some last minute things I need at home. I want to actually put on make up tonight. Hopefully I will remember to take some freaking pictures for once that I can share with you guys.

The other night I was driving home from work and it was dark and rainy. We have a one lane bridge in our town and I was approaching it. The other side has a yield and everyone around here knows that the yield is basically a stop sign because the other side (my side) has the right of way. So I see a car going over and right as I am getting there another car jumps the bridge. I am pissed about it because it is so hard to see the other cars coming and a lot of accidents happen that way. So I am sort of being a jerk about it and I slam on my horn and continue and barely avoid hitting them. (I could have stopped and just let it go, but I was in a bad mood and I get really tired of out of town people doing crap like that.) So I do all that and then I realize…It’s a flippin’ cop car!

So I am freaking out a bit and start to drive really carefully. Then it occurs to me that he will probably turn around and pull me over. So I begin to speed going 65 in a 40 and trying to get home as soon as possible. (It’s a windy road through the woods.) I spot lights behind me so then I really start to panic. I drive as fast as I can without crashing, turn onto my road and whip into the driveway. Then I turn off the lights and turn off the car and duck down. I wait a few minutes until the coast is clear and then I race into the house. How pathetic is that? I really need to stop being such an idiot. At least I didn’t get pulled over.

On another note I guess you guys heard about the Northeast snow storm. It was such a bummer. I had been looking forward to going out on Friday night so much and it defiantly didn’t happen. Right now we are planning on Monday. I really hope that happens.

I have been locked out of my own website for a few days now. However, thanks to WordPress.org and a little bit of md5 hashing I am back in.

I may never log out again.

This whole computer thing is so hard for me. I only ever took one computer class and that was back in 5th grade on mammoth Macs. I spent most of that time playing Oregon Trail and never putting my fingers on the right keys. So now whenever I need to learn something computer related the time and effort I have to put into it is astounding.

Take my design template endevors. You may notice that the majority of what I change has to do with colors. It takes so long for me to tweak everything else. I need to find a good book that can help me learn this sort of thing. Is all web design mostly CSS?

Just a few seconds ago I went to visit my hosting domain www.verycommerce.com to see that it has been “hacked” by a “GHoST 61″. That’s just great. Perhaps that explains why I didn’t get a reply to my e-mail. Hopefully that will get resolved soon. I have to say I have never tried to visit a site that had been hacked before. I don’t know if this means bad things for my site at all since they are my hosts. I don’t think it does. I also wonder if that may be part of my log out crisis. It is weird that my passwords and user names kept coming up invalid. [EDIT @ 9:07 p.m. I just checked the Very Commerce site and it’s up and running again. Woohoo! It must be such a pain in the ass dealing with hackers.]

I am just so glad to be back to posting. Does anyone know where I can learn CSS easily?