I know, I know. You don’t care about what kind of razor and deodorant I use. I thought it was interesting okay? I just wanted to warn you all not to buy the Venus Breeze and I am going through a divorce and I needed something light and fluffy to write about. Are we cool again? I hope so.

Guess what everyone? I am going on vacation tomorrow! I am going to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina and I will not be back until July 2. I have no idea if I get wifi where we are staying and while I am addicted to the internet part of me does not care. I am tired of thinking about things and feeling the way I have been when I am in town and at work. I’m tired of feeling bad.

I am working on moving back into my parent’s house and it has not been as bad as I thought it would be. My brother even bought me ice cream the other day. I have been listening to music while I shower (one of my favorite things to do ever) and also before I go to sleep (another thing I love). I have been generally enjoying doing everything (besides work) spur of the moment and not having to tell anyone what I am doing or where I am going. I mean…I guess you could say I should tell my parents, but they generally don’t want to know unless I’m hurt/dying.

I went out to breakfast with my Mom this morning and we had a nice talk. We wanted to sit down together because I won’t see her again until I get back from vacation.

It’s hard for me to articulate my feelings and get these entries out. I feel like I have to be so very careful with what I say and I would give anything to go back in time and ensure that my blog was anonymous.

I am bringing The Da Vinci Code and the first Harry Potter book with me on vacation. I look forward to reading them both. I want to read all the Harry Potter books before the seventh one comes out. I still have yet to read five and six. So I will be Harry Pottering it up much of the Summer.

I have also been attempting to watch High School Musical though I have so far only seen it in two twenty minute increments.

Last night I went to our local little independent movie house to see Paris, Je T’Aime. Okay. I pretty much hate going to the movies. The only thing I like about going is getting to see a movie because watching movies is about my favorite thing ever. (I realize this is confusing) Everything else I really hate: the bathrooms, the pre-teens/teenagers, the expensive snacks and drinks, etc…I could go on and on. How-freaking-ever, I had such a good time at this place! It was adorable and the girls that worked there were so nice. The drinks were not too expensive and they sold little cups of jelly beans for $1.50 and I could not have been happier about that. We also saw the 9:20 pm showing and there were only 4 other people in the theater. It was so nice and laid back. I loved it there. Seriously, I loved it. Plus the movie had subtitles and I love watching movies that I have to read.

The movie itself was interesting and cute. You got to see a lot of Paris and there were so many stories in it. Some of them I didn’t care for, but they were so short that it didn’t matter. My favorite one was the mimes. I just may have to buy it when it comes out. Plus they played previews for some upcoming movies that I would love to see so I will definitely be going there again.

I bought a new bathing suit the other day because I bought the old one many many years ago and I have no idea where the strap got put and when I lift my arms the girls fall out and I don’t think The South is ready for all that. So I searched the internet and found that the internet is loaded with ugly bathing suits and also seems to think that we larger women want to wear huge swimdresses (mind you I love swimdresses) with ugly floral print. The internet also wants me to wear a two piece (umm?) and it is stocked with unflattering cuts. I found a few that I liked that were way out of my price range.

I did find one that I sort of loved and it was on sale! So I bought it and had it express shipped. It arrived today and I was hesitant because the print wasn’t as cute as it looked online. Not ugly just not sparkly like I pictured it. I was nervous about the fit because my breasts are about two cups to small for a person of my size. That is the main reason I avoid plus size tops. My chest drowns in them. I took the suit home to my parents house to try it on and I really actually loved it. The chest area could use some work because the girls don’t fill out the cups, but at least it lies flat on them and it isn’t baggy. I’m pretty thrilled about it and I’m actually excited to wear it. The little skirt part in the front is also pretty cute. So the bathing suit search turned out to be a success.

I think that is everything I wanted to tell you about for now. I will be attempting to update more. Thanks for sticking with me. Oh listen to more Butterfly Boucher (where the title for this post comes from). They are fantastic.

I’ll be talking to you from South Carolina if there is wifi. I hear The South has the internet so perhaps.

Title: “Drift On” by Butterfly Boucher

1. Gillette Venus Breeze razor – Ugg! First of all I loathe spending money on girl hygiene products. It’s the feminist in me. I like smooth legs, but I hate giving money to the beauty industry that tells me I should have smooth legs. It’s a conundrum I face with my make-up as well. So anyway, paying for refill cartridges kills especially because I use the Venus razors which love to over charge for their cartridges, but I was willing to do it one more time. I decided to buy a new razor so I could start anew. I already use the Venus Vibrance and while I do love it I have never been a fan of the vibration thing because I’m not so sure it actually does anything. I decided to try the new model.

You guys! This razor is HORRIBLE! Those gel strips do not give your legs enough lubrication to shave and you end up with plenty of cuts and razor burn. You also can’t use shaving cream because of the way they made the blade. It’s seriously hard to do. The blade is also recessed a bit so that you can’t get a close shave and due to this I actually shaved twice in one day last week and it would be impossible to make it more than 2 days without noticeable stubble. I hate that razor and I have already thrown it away. I’m so bummed that I wasted my money on it and now I have to wait to get more free spending money before I can get a new razor. I have secretly been using my brothers Mach 3. Shhh!

I’m so irked about this and the Venus razors in general ($21.25 for 8 cartridges? Really) that my next razor will certainly be from a different company. I’m planning on going with the Schick Quattro for Women (as was recommended to me) it’s the same prices at the Breeze ($10.99), but it comes with 4 replacement heads instead of 2 and a pack of 8 cartidges is only $9.99. That I can handle.

2. Dove Ultimate Clear Deodorant in Cool Cucumber - Okay so this I don’t have quite the rant about as I did the razor. I’m just unfazed. I bought it because I am very susceptible to advertisements. I wanted the smoother underarms in five days. God help me, I really did. I wanted it so bad that with my pathetic budget I took $5 and what was left of a Target gift card and bought it. I want to love this. I do! I have to use the whole thing because due to the razor there is certainly not money for new deodorant too. It’s just…blah. My underarms look the same people. Perhaps it’s that devil or a razor I have been using. I don’t know. Also? They are kind of sore and oddly tingly. I don’t know if this is related to the deodorant or not. The worst part? They don’t keep underarm moisture away all day. I would say more like half a day.

I used to use Secret Platinum Clear Gel in Lavender Splash. That shit worked awesome. I switched because I wanted to support Dove and their new campaigns and I don’t use much else besides The Body Shop so I figured it would be one of the few things of theirs I could use. No go. I think I’m going to go back to Secret and the lovely floral scents I love so much.

Okay. I suppose the time has come to update. I wasn’t going to do so for a good long while, but after much urging to the contrary I decided to give in.

The reason for the break in my posting is that The Mrs. and I have split up. This happened officially on May 31, 2007. It’s been a rough two weeks to say the least.

So I guess it should be revealed that The Mrs. has a name and that name is Kimberly.

Kimberly and I have been in sparse communication for the past week and that has really been only to talk about distributing our things. I saw her on Wednesday and it did not go well at all.

Today I have to meet her mom at her mom’s job to drop off my second payment to her. That always makes me nervous. I’m worried someone is going to do or say something to me and I guess I just have to trust that will not happen. I owe Kimberly quite a bit of money for my tires, my laptop and some money I borrowed for various items. I’ll have that paid off by the end of June.

I went through my car and my room, which was hard because most of it was Christmas presents I bought her that she never took home and stuff from when we first got together. I didn’t want anything to happen to our notes and pictures and other couple stuff so I put that all into a box to keep it safe.

Through all of this I have felt like a bad person because I am the one who initiated the break-up. It’s really horrible knowing that you have caused someone so much pain, but I have to hope that it is for the best.

I haven’t even felt like telling my side of the story. I feel like people hate me and think that I am a horrible person who did horrible things and I have no motivation to say otherwise. I’m pretty much just letting everyone take her side. I don’t know why I have felt that way…so apathetic to it all, but I do.

I have never been in the situation before. I haven’t been single in a really long time. Right before Kimberly I was in an on-again-off-again relationship with a boy. So I suppose sometime when I was 15 was the last time I was really single.

As bad as it sounds part of being single is sort of great. I really enjoy being able to go wherever I want whenever I want and not having to answer to or tell a single person. It’s so…I don’t know…liberating? That part of it feels good.

There is definitely bad though. Don’t get me wrong. There is worry about whether I made the right decision. I remember how good things were sometimes. I remember how much I enjoyed the simple things like eating brownies while watching Grey’s Anatomy. How nice was to wake up next to someone every morning who cares about you. All the car trips, vacations and jokes. The anniversaries and celebrations we shared together. How she was almost my always. It’s hard. Really hard. I just have to trust that I did the right thing.

There were things about our relationship that were not perfect. Times that were anything, but happy and that left me feeling so sad and also like I couldn’t respect myself anymore. Every time that I looked in a mirror I would think bad things about myself. I would always feel like I was unworthy and could not do anything right. I didn’t want to hate myself anymore. I didn’t want to not be able to respect myself. I just could not do it. I really just couldn’t.

Leaving her was the single most difficult thing I have ever had to do and if you put me back in time a little over a week ago I don’t know if I could do it again. It was heartbreaking and emotionally exhausting. I also feel like I have lost so much and I have to begin from scratch. I am starting over. I am beginning anew.

It’s been most difficult giving up my dreams for us. I had pictures of us together years down the line. When we might have had a place of our own, good jobs and children.

I am missing my other family. I am missing Hanna. That little baby that I love so. The baby that I held in my arms the day she was born while she slept. Who I have changed hundred of diapers for. The baby that tried to imitate my dance for the first time at 6 months and who succeeded for the first time at 20 months. I wonder if she’ll even remember me. She not even three years old yet. I’ll remember her anyway. I hope that will be enough.

I want us to be friends, but I don’t know if that is at all possible at this point. As I mentioned we had that meeting on Wednesday and I think to say it didn’t go well is an understatement. I just don’t know. I guess I will have to wait and see.

Also as a last note for all those interested parties: I did not cheat on her, the reason I left has nothing to do with Kasey and Kasey and I are not having sex. (Blunt I know, but apparently it needs to be said.)

Thank you. I will attempt to post more in the near future, but this one was hard enough so I give you no promises.

Title: “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do” by The Carpenters

I wanted to let you guys know I won’t be posting for a bit. I know that is considered blogging suicide, but I will still be reading and commenting. Just not putting up new entries for a bit. I very well may write up entries as I think of them and post them when I come back. So there should be plenty of entries then.

It was either stop posting for a bit or get rid of the whole website and I wasn’t able to do that yet. We’ll see what happens. I am around and I do respond to emails so if you would like to contact me that address is: SparklieSunShine [at] hotmail [dot] com.

Thanks for the support. I appreciate it.

Title: “This Rope Is Long” by Let’s Go Sailing