Loralee is giving away an Amazon gift certificate! All you have to do is help her name her plastic chicken.

Go there now!

I have been an official college student for 2 days now and I am officially stressed out.

BIOLOGY

I already have 7 front and back pages of Biology notes and the other students in the class seem to at least have a clue what the teacher is talking about while I am glazed over at the sheer volume of words I don’t know. Then he (my professor) asks some crazy question and students actually answer him!

On Monday he did a whole speech about why some students shouldn’t take this class. He also mentioned that we should be studying two hours to every hour we are in class. He also said we’re idiots if we think we can go to school full time and work a full time job. Umm…So I guess I shouldn’t get a second job?

Currently I am working on memorizing the levels of Biological Organization from Biosphere to atoms. I am also figuring out the differences of Prokaryotes and Eukaryotes. The differences are actually easier to learn then saying those terms. Also I am trying to memorize Emergent Properties, Reductionism, Negative Feedback and Positive Feedback.

It’s going to take some time I guess. None of this comes natural to me and I don’t seem to have the science/math background that the other students in my class seem to have. I am about four years older than everyone else so perhaps that will give me an edge? I don’t know.

All I know is that I have been studying like crazy already. I think I have a quiz to take on Friday, but again this college stuff is confusing to me so I’m not sure. I’m going to class prepared for it anyway.

I also have to go to the Student Support Services building so that I can meet with a tutor and get some extra help there. I have already thought about dropping the class, but I have come so far already. I don’t want to cop out. I do need an excellent grade in the class to get into the Pre-Med program, but even if I work really hard and get a C I will know I earned that grade and maybe Biology isn’t for me. At least I will have tried.

So I am going to keep at it. I am going to study hard and do my best. I hope you guys help hold me accountable to this goal. I may have to cut down on the blogs I read, but luckily I think many of the authors of the blogs I read could care less about my readership. So it shouldn’t be hard. No worries to any of you fantastic bloggers that I hear from you won’t be on the list of blogs I stop reading.

WOMEN & POLITICS

This is a third level class and it seems to be filled with a lot of 4th year poly/sci students trying to get there last major credits. I am the only Women’s Studies minor so I get to be the odd woman out. Also the teacher mentioned “Lesbian Feminists” who “hate men”. I don’t believe that is true. Why? Well I am a lesbian and a feminist and I love men. I just don’t want to love them, in that way if you catch my drift. So we’ll see how long it takes before I speak up about my feelings about that.

Also it’s a women & politics class and when asked to name a woman in politics and I said Hilary Clinton I heard scoffing. Say what you want about Hilary we all have our own opinions, but she is the first women to ever largely campaign for President. That should be a pretty big deal in a women & politics class. I would think.

I already have a paper due and I am a little confused about it so I’ll be emailing the professor about that later today.

INTRO TO WOMEN’S STUDIES

Finally! A class where I don’t feel years behind education-wise from everyone else. Thank you! I have three assignments due for this class and I am happy to do them. The material is interesting the class is nice and small and I can actually answer the questions being asked of me with out having to search through the dictionary and do memorization tricks. This is the class I am most excited about. Though I sadly only have it once a week on Tuesdays for a three hour class.

SEASIDE HEIGHTS, NJ

Angela, didn’t you also just go on vacation? I did! I was so busy I didn’t get a chance to write anything about it and our hotel definitely didn’t have wifi.

I put a few of the pictures up from the trip on Flickr. Most of them were group pictures or ones of the other girls in the group and I didn’t feel comfortable putting there pictures up on Flickr. I did put a bunch up though and there are a few group pictures. You have to be listed as a contact on my Flickr to view them there, but if you just leave me a comment or email me I would be happy to add you.

I had a great time there. It was a fantastic way to end my summer. I did get drunk one night for one of the first times so there are many pictures of that. I’m sure you’ll be able to tell which ones. Don’t worry though it wasn’t enough to make me sick or give me a hangover because that’s just no fun.

Title - “I Miss You” by Incubus

School is a little stressful so far. I have all three classes today. The beach was fantastic. I work all day tomorrow so I should be able to put up a fill post then. Pictures then too. I swear!

Internet, I am so tired. I finally went to bed earlier than 2:00 a.m. yesterday, but I was up much of the night anyway. Boo.

Do you know what I have never mentioned on here? I snore. I have for as long as I can remember. Sometimes I guess it is worse than others. I have been using those BreatheRight strips and from what I understand they work pretty well. I’ll have to start putting them on every night. Do any of you snore?

ONE LAST GLIMPSE OF SUMMER

Today is a short day for me. I’m going to Seaside Heights, NJ for a few days!! This will be a nice little vacation right before I start school and lose all my free time. I am planning to take pictures so those will be on Flickr when I return. I’m not sure if the motel we’re staying at has wifi or not. If it does you’ll probably hear from me while I’m down there. If not I may not be able to post until my first day at school. I’m pretty sure they have wifi everywhere on college campuses so that shouldn’t be an issue.

I also have to work on that To Do List I spoke about last time. I have to admit that I got no more of it done. I have been such a complete slacker this summer. I have been completely ignoring most things in my life. This summer has been like a cocoon and I am scared to leave the cocoon and return to the real world. We’ll see. I have to relax and know that everything will be fine.

I’m going with Kasey and she is meeting about 7 of her friends there. I know three of them, but not well so I am a bit nervous. I am excited to finally be meeting Kasey’s best friend, Julie. I’m sure that we will get along. She seems really nice from everything that Kasey has told me about her.

A LITTLE EXCITEMENT ABOUT BOOTS

I have a pair of Ruby UGG boots that I absolutely adore. I know how a lot of people feel about UGG boots, but you know what? I don’t care. I got my first baby pink pair when they were super popular with celebs. Anyway, I bought them and I LOVED them. As someone who used to wear Birkenstocks 24/7 it was absolute bliss to have my feet be warm and toasty in the winter. So I don’t care what anyone says about them. They keep my feet warm and they are comfortable.

Anyway, I wear the baby pink ones in bad weather or when it’s messy outside. I keep the Ruby ones for days its super cold or snowy without the slush. So they always stay perfect. Last winter I got a rip in one of the boots. So I panicked and attempted to call all sorts of shoe repair places and they all said that there wasn’t much they could do about it. Yesterday I get the brilliant idea to contact the company. I can return them under warranty! So I am going to mail them out to UGG Australia and they should be sending me a brand new pair. I will keep you guys updated on that. I’m thrilled! I was SO bummed about the shoes being damaged.

When it happened I opened a screen door and it dragged across the top of my boot and ripped it. When I told my dad he was like, “Good thing you were wearing those boots. You would have really hurt your foot.” Which prompted me to say, “Are you kidding me? I would rather cut up my foot and have to get stitches than ruin my beloved boots. These were limited edition! They don’t even make this color anymore!” Once again showcasing why I could not be a worse match for my parents.

PART OF THE MADNESS

I admitted on Twitter recently that I bought High School Musical on iTunes. I wanted to watch it because it’s pretty much one of Kaseys favorite movies and she referenced it and the songs a lot. Also I knew there was a second one coming out and I wanted to know what was going on before we watched it.

So I watched the first one and it was sort of confusing to me because they were trying out for a musical, but then the whole thing became a musical, but they didn’t really know it. I guess? It’s a little odd. I suppose these things aren’t really supposed to make sense.

I thought that the point of the movie was to show the schools musical, but it pretty much ended when Gabriella and Troy got the parts. So while I enjoyed it I still didn’t get the hype.

Then Tuesday night Kasey and I finally watched High School Musical 2. Guys. I don’t know what is going on with me, but it rocked my world. I LOVED it. I totally did. I want to see the dance addition where they teach you the dances to the musical score. I bought the flippin’ soundtrack off of iTunes! I need to be stopped. I have been listening to it at work and it’s so fun and peppy. Maybe thats why I enjoy it so much. It’s just silly and entertaining.

So I’m going to go get a few things done before I leave work today and I will be listening to the HSM2 (as the kids say) soundtrack whilst I do it.

Title - “You Are The Music In Me” by Gabriella & Troy from the High School Musical 2 Soundtrack…like you needed to ask.

I can not believe that I only have six days until I begin college. I don’t even know what to make of it. It’s been so long since I went to school of any sort and I was a less than ideal student when I did go. Even though I am going to be much older than most of the students in my class I still have the feeling that I am going to be behind.

I have heard bad things about my Biology teacher and he is also the adviser for the Pre-Med program so I worry about that. I am going to keep an open mind though and not go into class already having an opinion about him. Everyone I have heard from that didn’t like him were not Biology majors and the few good things I heard were from Biology majors. So I have a feeling he is tougher on students who are not studying under his department. We’ll see. I begin that class on Monday so you’ll get my further opinion on him then.

I also don’t want you guys to think this blog is going to become all about college. I’m not much for being a single subject blogger so while I will talk about school more (because I will be there so much) I will also keep talking about everything else. I will probably have a lot more to talk about from now on because I will be exposed to so many new situations and people. To be honest I have no idea I kept this blog going for all these years when it’s basically me at a desk all day going home to come back the next day and do it all over again. Though a lot has been going on this summer.

Going to school terrifies me. I am also going to be in the vicinity of my ex which worries me. I just think seeing each other will be difficult on both of us. I don’t know how it would go.

I did get more stuff back yesterday. My dad mentioned there was stuff on the porch and I said no that it was my brother’s and he said that my brother said it was mine. So I went out to take a look and it was indeed mine. I guess it was more stuff that had been left behind when I left. Items included: a book I bought for Hanna, a box of tissues, 2 shirts I had bought for her that never fit that she wouldn’t return, plenty of socks, a bear she had purchased for her Uncle for Christmas several years ago and a stuffed rabbit I gave her at The Vagina Monologues to congratulate all her hard work. So…really all stuff I just need to get rid of. Except for the tissues. Those will come in handy. If I remember correctly they are the sort with lotion in them. Getting divorced continues to be fun.

Yesterday I went to the Doctor to get my physical for school done. Awful! They made me get another tetanus shot because they didn’t have the paperwork for the one I got when I fell of the horse in Mexico. So now the top of my left arm is super swollen and painful. I also had to get a shot in my lower left arm to check for TB. If it welts up by Thursday I have to go back. I tell you it had better not swell. I would not be able to deal.

She also suggested I go back to the Gynecologist. You know, being that I am 23 and all and haven’t been since I was 16. It might be good. So I’m going to call Planned Parenthood this week to schedule that. I might also get screened again for STDs, just to be safe.

Here is my To Do List of things I have to get done before school starts. Hopefully I will be able to get everything done in time.

I’m also going on a mini vacation this weekend to Seaside Heights, NJ. I’m excited because I have never been there before. I am leaving Thursday night and I should be returning on Saturday. Other things planned this week include going to the movies to see Stardust and Becoming Jane. We’ll see if that happens.

Now I am going to spend a little while trying to cross #11 of this list.

Title: “In Repair” by John Mayer

The sweet and lovely Jessica is hosting an essay contest of sorts to win a JOYS filing system. You can find out more about it by clicking that link back there. In our essay we are supposed to write about what brings us joy. I am not good at essay formats (though I should at least take this opportunity to practice with college coming up) so instead I’m going to do a short numbered list of five things that bring me joy.

1. Laughter. I am not one that finds many things funny. I don’t like most comedy movies. I’m not a big fan of jokes. Even most comedians, while I love them (like Kathy Griffin) I can watch an entire comedy special and end up only laughing a few times or not at all. So when something is funny to me or someone can really make me laugh I think that is really special and rare.

2. Books. There is something so blissful about sitting in a comfortable chair with a warm blanket on your lap, a warm (or cold) drink nearby and a great book. That is something that I really love and sometimes its rare to get those quiet moments.

3. Traveling. I love going new places and seeing new things. I feel like I have been getting to do that so much lately (Gettysburg, Philadelphia, New Jersey, New York, Myrtle Beach, etc…) and it has been great. I hope I continue to get to do that. I love exploring this world around me.

4. People who care about me. Being near people who love and care about me is one of the sweetest things in my life. It’s hard to talk about these days, but it’s lovely.

5. Education. I still don’t know how it’s going to go and I don’t know how I am going to keep up with it. I do know that I am very grateful to be getting the gift of education. I am going into this college experience with a good attitude and I can’t wait to see where it takes me.

So those are five simple things bringing me joy right now. Thanks to Jessica for the contest and the ability to share.

P.S. - Can I add looking at pictures of bunnies and guinea pigs on Cute Overload to the list of things that bring me joy? Adorable!

P.P.S. - Oh! And this small photo series of a chipmunk trying to consume a whole peanut!!

There are some crazy weird people in this world. If you don’t believe me just look at the search keyphrases people find your website from. I just did that and these were the 15 I found the most amusing and/or disturbing.

1. sick of looking at white people (This was taken from my commentary on boohbahs.)

2. burnt down a bus might do it again

3. little people big world panties

4. angela needs a man (Mom?)

5. sex farm vacations in pa

6. my friend really wants a handjob

7. even though she does not make a cute apple i will cut her up and make her into cute apple pies

8. huge ass hot women (Thanks?)

9. jamba juice tattoos (I wish I had thought of that.)

10. mean marshmellow peeps

11. George/Izzie smut (We should talk.)

12. hypochondria and lymph node obsessions

13. clogged toilet phobia (I hear ya.)

14. how to make a wocket for your pocket (I would like to know that also.)

15. panties pooping my secret garden (Uhh…)

P.S. - Remember when I lost my SIM card? It has been recovered! I found it in a stack of magazine clippings. I am once again armed with a cell phone.

Guess what I did today? I put my hair in a braid!

I decided to try growing out my hair last year and since then I have felt little growth. Perhaps because the hair is attached to my head and I see it everyday? This growing of that hair? It is a slow process. One that makes me consider just hacking it off on a whim fairly frequently.

Here I am moments after my last big hair cut on April 14, 2006. That was also the last time I got my hair dyed.

Then I got what I refer to on this blog as the “unfortunate bangs”.

Today though I really feel like I can tell my hair is getting longer. Here is a close up of the little braid:

Then here is me from the side showing more of the length:

I’m not allowed to cut my hair until my bangs are chin length, but I’m actually thinking of continuing to let it grow even after that. It would be fun to have long hair once in my life.

What do you guys think?

Title: “New Deep” by John Mayer

I’m a tad surprised about this because I thought that it was toned down quite a lot. The three words that earned me this rating? My use of pissed, sexy and shit. Interesting.

I don’t think it’s accurate though. I’m pretty sure it only goes on the front page of the site because I know I have dropped some other choice words on this very site. Some of them including the mother of all bombs…the F bomb. I have a funny craving to watch A Christmas Story right now, you know that? However I think it is sacrilegious to watch that movie on any other day than Christmas day. So I will refrain. In any case enjoy the warning. If you want to rate your own site you can do so here.

Oh! I also redid my Fifty Things page so if you would like to check that out feel free!

[This post is extremely long, scattered and (for me) emotional. Please bear with me because I just had to write it all out so I could be done with it and everyone would know most of my side of the story.]

I guess it’s time for an update. I haven’t really spoken about my breakup since it happened. Sometimes it doesn’t feel real. It feels like I have been dreaming for these past few months and I could wake up at any time. Though most of the time it feels very real.

This month has been a little harder for me emotionally because I think I am stepped out of the relationship more that I can see it
from a different perspective. That has lead to some heavy feelings for me. I feel like she didn’t really love me at all. I think she loved me in high school when we first got together. I think she loved that exciting wild person that I used to be. I think she loved the idea of me. I don’t think she loved me.

Otherwise I don’t get it. I don’t get why she would be so mad at me for leaving when she knew I had no choice. I don’t get why she would let all of our friends think bad things and basically betray me. I don’t get why she would be able to not return my phone calls or call on my birthday or be happy for me that I am doing okay now and I’m safe. Perhaps it is just selfishness or perhaps she saw the relationship differently. I have been trying to rationalize it in a way that could show that she really did indeed love me and I just don’t think that can be true.

I remember when things started to go badly and I wanted to go to counseling and she wouldn’t do it. She wouldn’t go with me. That hurts me because it makes me feel like I wasn’t worth getting better for. The only time she seemed at all serious about it was the last time I was walking out the door and it was already way to late.

That someone else is being blamed for the end of everything kills me. People really think I would walk out on a six year relationship that to me was basically a marriage just because I was attracted to someone else is ludicrous.

I was attracted to someone else and I was honest about that. I told her what I felt and I made it clear that I would never act on those feelings. That is one of the things I loved about our relationship. We had very good trust between us. I felt like I could be honest with her. I don’t know if because of the tumultuousness our relationship had or what, but she started to become very suspicious of any time Kasey and I spent together. Then she started saying we shouldn’t hang out together and at this time I wasn’t even thinking of Kasey romantically because we had become such close friends.

So…I honestly forget what happened, but I guess Kasey wanted to spend a day hanging out with Kimberly exactly like one of the times Kasey and I had spent together to show Kimberly there was nothing going on. (Let me try to remember this.) So apparently Kasey and her cuddled and then when Kasey at the end told her everything they did was exactly what we did Kimberly sort of freaked out. I suppose it is because I didn’t tell her that happened. I probably left it out to avoid more fighting and suspicions from her, but we had rules about cuddling with other people and I wasn’t breaking those rules. If something had happened that did I would have told her. [Side note – Our rule for cuddling was I could cuddle other people, but they couldn’t cuddle you. Mind you this is all either in the front seat of a car or for a few minutes sitting up on a bed (a bed b/c at this age our homes are our rooms and there aren’t couches) so it’s not like lying in bed snuggling.

Okay. So my omission of that was considered big lie #1. After that Kasey and I weren’t really allowed to hang out, but at my pleading we were able to see each other one Saturday for three hours. Kasey had showed me where she lived so I wanted to show her where I lived. I knew three hours wasn’t much time, but I wanted to follow Kimberly’s rules and make it work.

I went and picked Kasey up in front of where she worked. We were supposed to meet at 12, but I thought it might be better to go early. Even though we were on limited time we wanted to stop and visit Kimberly at work because we thought she might enjoy it. We got there and she looked pissed. She was really short with us and then…I think Kasey went out to the car and I went over and Kimberly yelled at me for being together earlier than I previously told her we would be. I explained what had happened, but she didn’t seem to believe me and then I said I had to go because she was wasting the limited time Kasey and I had to hang out. (Oh and what I didn’t understand is why if I was going to switch the times like that would I show up at her work so she could see?)

So Kasey and I went to lunch, to see some of the local lakes, we drove past my parents house and I took her to my brother’s music store. Then it was obviously time to go so we drove back to Stroudsburg and it became apparent that I was not going to be done on time. I had called Kimberly and she didn’t feel well she was starting to get a headache and so I needed to stop and get her water and Tylenol. I got it at Mr. Z’s where Kasey was going into work. When I was on my was on my way to Kimberly’s work I called and said I was late because I had to pick up her medicine and there was a long line at Wal*Mart. Guys. I know it was the wrong thing to do. I just didn’t want to fight anymore! We ended up fighting anyway even when she thought the Wal*Mart story was true! So that was a whole big thing.

Then about two weeks later she found out that I wasn’t late because I was waiting in line so we had another big fight and then I agreed not to see Kasey until felt like she could trust me again. It also came out that Kimberly actually honest to God thought that Kasey and I had been sleeping together the whole time! What? I couldn’t believe that and at the time I actually felt bad that she had been feeling that way and it explained why she kept freaking out on me.

[Side Note - I know this is all a little long and confusing. I’m just trying to get it all out once and for all.}

So things were really strained in that time and Kimberly and I were almost constantly fighting. Kasey and I were still allowed to talk on the phone, but I felt like whenever we did I was under fire from Kimberly. It started to seem like no matter what I did she wouldn’t believe that she could trust me and that I didn’t cheat on her.

It was about a month into not being allowed to see Kasey when I started to wonder why not seeing her anymore bothered me so much. I am used to friends leaving me and I have always been fine. Not great because it tears me apart every time, but this was different. Perhaps because it wasn’t about the friend no longer caring about me it was outside forces keeping us apart. I don’t know. Kimberly and I kept fighting and things got worse and worse and without saying too much something happened that made it impossible for me to stay. Still I wasn’t sure that we couldn’t work it out.

I slept at my parent’s house that night. It was Saturday May 26. I stayed at my office until around 4:30 am when I finally made the drive over to my parent’s house. I didn’t want to go there because my mom thinks that me being gay is a phase and I didn’t want to add fuel to that fire. I was just really embarrassed about the whole thing, but I really just wanted everything to be over.

The next morning (late morning) Kimberly and I went to talk and get some Subway. We had broken up the night before, but we decided to take a week and work through it and see where things were at the end of the week. People this week ended up being the week from hell.

So….she ended up going to work and I was at my parent’s house feeling broken. We decided that we would sleep apart, but we wouldn’t see other people and me not being allowed to see Kasey alone was still in place. I don’t feel like I can trust many people so I called one of the only people I felt like I could trust to talk about what I was feeling and what was going on. That person was Kasey. She was very supportive of me and my feelings and she gave me advice on how I could help the situation. This was also the conversation where I knew I had much deeper feelings for Kasey. I knew that wasn’t good and I didn’t know what to do about it. It also ended up coming out that the feelings were mutual. So we agreed that we shouldn’t talk about it anymore and that no matter what we wouldn’t act on our feelings. At this time (even though they hadn’t been talking much and Kimberly was pretty much always pissed at her) Kasey and Kimberly were good friends and Kasey would never do that to a friend and I certainly wouldn’t cheat on Kimberly. So we ended the phone call and I did my best to figure things out.

What had happened between Kimberly and I on that Saturday night was still fresh in my mind and I couldn’t get away from the way I felt and the knowledge that it probably wouldn’t stop. I knew I had to make the decision to be on my own and stand up for myself. I just didn’t know how.

On Tuesday Kimberly and I went on a date and it was one of the hardest nights of my life because I love her and I could tell she was trying, but I just didn’t think it was going to work. I didn’t know how it could work. Wednesday we went on a real break and on Thursday we broke up for good. It was hard. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and it you put me back in time even with all my reasons for leaving I honestly don’t know if I could do it again. I felt so broken afterwards.

So that night I drove up to Stroudsburg to see Kasey because I needed someone to talk to about everything. Our friend Melissa was up so we went to the bar and I had a drink and I realized that one shouldn’t have a Cosmo when they haven’t had anything to drink all day. So I had some chips too. We went to another bar and then Siamsa to dance. Then I went back to Kasey’s house and ended up staying over because Melissa was staying there too and they had to get up early anyway.

That is the night that made everyone assume that Kasey and I were sleeping together. The next morning I went into work and that night Kasey and I talked nearly all night. The phone call was over 6 hours long and we talked about everything. I told her how I felt about my relationship with Kimberly and how scared I was. It was just a really good talk. There were light times too and we listened to music. We talked about how we needed to keep our feelings for each other on the back burner because of me just getting out of a huge relationship. So for now we would stay friends.

Kasey went on vacation with her friends over that weekend and we talked on the phone some. I saw her again on Sunday night. I was meeting her and we were going to go out to grab some dinner. I decided to tell her the real solid reason why I knew I had to leave Kimberly and I was so scared to tell her, but she was there for me. I made her promise that she wouldn’t tell anyone else or do anything about it and she has kept that promise to me.

Things between Kimberly and I became more strained during this. I wasn’t allowed to come home to get my things. Instead she packaged them up and dropped them in various places. She started having her mom call me about the money I owed her instead of calling me herself. I had to drop the money off to her mom. Plus she said she didn’t want to see me, but she would always be there when I was supposed to drop the money off.

When Kasey came back from her trip she had brought me a necklace and I had it on and Kimberly confronted me in a parking lot about it. The whole thing just wasn’t good and I was seeing a new side of Kimberly that I didn’t like.

Around this time I had been meeting Kasey’s mom and family and I was invited to go with her family to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. I was so excited at the opportunity to get away from all the drama and the craziness. I don’t remember when, but Kimberly and I spoke a bit and she said she didn’t want me to go.

I think me going is what put the ultimate rift in our relationship, but after feeling like I had no control over my own life for those months and feeling like I had no one here for me I needed the vacation. I needed to do something for myself.

We haven’t spoken since before that trip. I called her on July 11 and she didn’t return that phone call. I had a birthday and she didn’t call me. The beautiful baby that used to be my niece had a birthday and not only was I not invited, but everyone in my family (people who have seen the baby in passing only a few times and aren’t friends with the baby’s mom) were invited and explicitly told not to bring me. That I wasn’t invited. I struggled with whether or not to send the baby a present and ultimately I decided not to.

Somehow though I think her not contacting me was for the best. I have always felt that I will always love her. She was my family for over six years. So I think it would have made it too hard for me to be strong in my decision to leave. I don’t know if I would have managed. So I guess it’s for the best. There was a point where I figured we would get together again someday and this rift has shown me that isn’t a possibility. It’s shown me that maybe she didn’t really love me anymore and it was just hard for her to let go of what I used to be to her. I don’t know.

On my birthday weekend in Philadelphia, when we were out to dinner at Buddakan, Kasey asked me if I would go out with her and I said yes. So we are dating right now in the literal sense as in we go on dates. I think things went too fast in my relationship with Kimberly (I mean by living together and stuff right away) so this time I want to go slower.

I haven’t felt any support really from my friends. Some tell me they are there for me, but don’t ask me how I am doing or feeling. The rift between us is obvious, but for some reason we are to pretend it isn’t there. Some have stopped talking to me completely. Some were never really there to begin with and so I am not surprised.

There are those of you who have been there for me and you know who you are and you know I love you and appreciate it.

I am excited to go to college and start over fresh. I am excited to meet new people and make new friends. I want friends who will care when I am depressed and losing myself and who will be happy for me when I am finally able to take a breath and feel happy again.

The bottom line is that I was loosing myself. I was drowning again and the only one who could save me was myself. I had to decide that I wanted to be okay. That I wanted to live. As hard as things have been and as much as I didn’t think I would make it. I finally don’t feel like I can’t look at myself in the mirror. I don’t feel ashamed of myself anymore. I just had to decide to save myself. All I wish I had was a little support.

I don’t regret my relationship with Kimberly. We got together at a time in our lives when we needed each other and I loved her. There was a time when I thought we would be together forever. When it was good it was amazing, but when it was bad it was unlivable. I wish she had loved me enough to let me go. I though we would be together forever until that last week together when I took a breath, looked around and realized that this was no way to live a life.

I’m sorry if anything I wrote here offends anyone. It’s the truth as much as I can tell it and I just needed to get it out or all these thoughts and evaluations would crush me. Back to normalness tomorrow.

Title: “Refuge” by John Legend