I have been struggling with this post for a little while now. On one hand I wanted to make a record of it, but on the other hand I feel guilty taking away from what other people have had to go through in similar situations. Well that just made it sound bad, didn’t it? I’m fine. It isn’t really about me. On May 16, 2008 my grandmother died. She was 84 years old and I’m honestly not sure how she died.

It’s a difficult situation. I last saw her in Wal-Mart a few years ago. I was shopping and I saw her there with an aunt my family is no longer in contact with. I don’t remember what we said, but I do remember she looked to tiny. Before that I must have been 15 the last time I saw her. It was probably at her house for a holiday meal before all the craziness happened. I was much shorter then and she didn’t seem so small to me. I never realized she was short until that moment. That sticks out to me. I think the last things she said to me were, “I love you and I miss you” and I said “I miss and love you too”. Then we shared a hug and parted ways. I haven’t seen or heard from her since.

She wasn’t the nicest person. She smoked constantly and would tell you exactly what she thought of you in a way that would probably be comical to an outside audience. Much like Sophia on Golden Girls. Her obituary says many things about her canning and quilting…I don’t remember any of that. I remember her peeling potatoes and the way all her food has too many onions. I remember never understanding why anyone would put bay seasoning in their pasta sauce if you can’t eat them. She also made these delicious pineapple cookies. Those I can even remember the taste of though I haven’t had them since I was maybe 10 or 11.

You might notice my grandma memories are all food related. I only really saw her on Christmas and Thanksgiving and on those days she was where women were supposed to be. Wearing an apron, in the kitchen, cooking for the family. I don’t find that as endearing as many others do. I think it kept me from knowing her better. My grandfather got all the down time sitting and watching TV as this all went down in their tiny little trailer home. It is with him who I got to have conversations, but please don’t think I am about to bring up works of wisdom. Nope, mostly little tyrants about the Italians (heavy on the I) and some of the injustices of the world. None of which have stuck with me.

While I never had a close relationship with either of them when my grandfather passed away several years ago there was some dispute about money or something and we lost touch with my grandmother and older aunt in some sort of epic family feud. Being that there was no money to bury my grandfather he was to spend all eternity safely contained in a coffee tin. This seems to bother most people, but I pretty much feel like once your gone, your gone so coffee tin, $4000 casket, it’s all the same.

So while everyone in my family, basically, was not on speaking terms with her I was indifferent*. I got her address from my mom and wrote her a letter. I still have the letter she sent back to me somewhere. I also called her once. I had meant to come out to her at some point, but I never really felt it was that important. I always meant to write her more, but life got messy and I forgot to. I wonder if I’ll regret that.

We were never close. I have never been close to any of my grandparents. They certainly all have their favorite grandchildren and I am so not it. Maybe that is what I regret. That we weren’t able to be closer even when I was younger. My father had a difficult relationship with his parents and I guess it was inevitable that would get passed down to me. If anything she is part of my history and one day I can tell my children about peeling potatoes and sauce that never made any sense to me.

I believe I like the idea of grandparents more than my own grandparents. I wish I had the sort of grandmother I could call on the phone. The sort that would send me a card on my birthday. I would love to have someone teach me what they know about quilting or *gasp* tell me what working was like when women were allowed to work outside the home during the war. That would be awesome.

Well, I still have two grandparents left and even though they just see me as my mother’s fat daughter who never has a boyfriend and who doesn’t go to church. I guess that’s fine. They’re my family and perhaps not everyone gets warm loving caring grandparents. Hopefully I will live long enough to be that for my own grandchildren and that will make all the difference. I will hug them, love them, send them cards and I’ll make sure to tell each and every one of them that they are my favorite.

Until then, Goodbye Grammie. It was hard to figure out how to say it, but I will miss you. My memories of you aren’t exactly pleasent, but I’m sure you don’t have to many of me either and maybe we both did the best we could.

*My least favorite word ever!

I am starting password protected entries sometimes. The password is available for anyone who wants it. I tried to make an email for all those who left comments in the last month, but hotmail hates me. So if you would like it email me at SparklieSunShine@hotmail.com and I will get it to you asap.

Today is my baby cousin’s 23rd birthday! She is my age again, which is always so weird for me. I do really think of her as my baby cousin (I don’t know why) so it’s weird when she gets older. She is sort of like my little sister. She is exactly 9 months younger than me and we were thrown together A LOT growing up so I do feel more like an older sister than a cousin. I am also so close to her mom (my aunt) that she seems more like an older sister to me too. It feels like one big family.

I suppose it fits. My father was 16 when she was born so I know he feels more parental to her than brotherly so maybe that is why she seems to fit into my immediate family so well. Sorry to go into all of this it wasn’t my intention. Just something I was thinking about. In any case, Happy Birthday, Amanda!

Tonight we are going to Chili’s to celebrate. I’m going to get the Quesadilla Explosion Salad (in case you were wondering) and a $2 margarita. Hooray!

I have a lot of writing assignments to complete by next week and some papers to revise. Hopefully I will be able to make that a priority. It’s really important to me to get that done.

I got the new LUSH catalog in today AND a shower jelly I missed getting at Christmas. It’s called Gold, Frankincense and Beer. (Get it?) It smells SO good. I love frankincense. I’ll be using that asap.

I’m off to make my cousin a cootie catcher. She is easily annoyed by that sort of thing and what kind of pseudo big sister would I be if I didn’t annoy her.

I am a little under the weather right now. I have been taking medication. (actual medication, not just my herbal teas for those of you who wish to know) Kasey has been forcing me too. I believe she may be trying to drug me and no one seems to care. I think I am on the mend though. That Airborne stuff is nasty, but it does seem to work. Plus I love seeing things bubble and fizz.

It’s almost March! Where, if you recall, I am going to try once again to post every single day for a month. With no motivation! It is actually something I am looking forward to. These challenges often give me inspiration to write about things I usually sweep under the rug and also delve deeper into other topics.

Kasey is (hopefully) going to guest blog in March too! I already created an author account for her in anticipation.

There are topics that I no longer wish to sweep under the rug that I will be discussing in probably multiple entires. I would also appreciate Kasey’s point of view on these also and that is why she might be quest posting. It should be really good.

I am looking forward to talking about other things too.

Here is a little clip from a recent conversation with me mother:

Mom: We’ll I don’t know if I am ever going to have grandchildren from the way things are going.
ME: Well don’t look at me I’m too young.
Mom: You’re not too young you’re just not in a relationship.
ME: Stunned silence
Mom: And I don’t know if you ever will be.
ME: Not that kind of relationship.

I was pretty much in shock for the rest of the car ride and she proceeded to try and make small talk with me.

This was about a week ago and I am still so mad about it. Is there any way I could have possibly handled this graciously? I mean…Kasey and I are living in her house right now so I guess we just have to grin and bear it until we get our own place.

Is it February already? Last week I forgot some assignments and in a few short days I got weeks behind in my classes. I also had to drop French 1 due to reasons I will likely detail in a future entry. With all this work I haven’t been able to write and I actually had to mark all read in my feed reader. Something I have never read before. (Don’t worry to my regular readers I still read your entries even if I wasn’t able to comment.)

I am getting back on track and I wanted to tell you all about last weekend because it was such a fun weekend for me!

Last weekend I had the most surreal 3 day weekend ever.

Saturday Kasey and I went to see the movie Mad Money. I have to do another movie post. I’ve seen 6 movies since the last one. I really enjoyed this movie. More about it later!

Saturday night Kasey and I were supposed to go to a bar with one of our friends and a group of their friends. I had my passport all set to get in (I lost my license) so we were good to go. Then the guy at the door wouldn’t let us in because Kasey’s license was expired. Unreal!

So we were a bit bummed. We decided to call my cousin and go to a local bar with her. After we called and said we would be there in a few I remembered it was my brother’s 30th birthday and his band would be playing at another local bar. We switched up our plans, picked up my cousin and headed over there. I usually avoid this bar because it’s pretty seedy and they can’t really make anything. You either order shots, beer or something in a bottle. That night they were even out of flavored drinks so I just got yuengling. I actually had a really great time! We drank and laughed and saw my brother and some people I went to elementary school with. Some of my brother’s old friends were there too. (He has had some of the same friends since he was 14 so it’s cool to see some of the guys I knew when I was little as adults.) We also had the best bar nachos I have ever had. We decided we would have to come back more often.

On Sunday Kasey and I needed to go get some papers from her dad’s house in New Jersey. We drove up there (about an hour and a half drive) and the papers weren’t there! Oops! They were at her mom’s house in PA (about a 25 minute drive). Oh well. I’m glad she got to see her dad! Then we stopped by a cute little bakery she knew of and I got a delicious cupcake! For $.99! Then we headed back home. It was really enjoyable.

Once we got back in the area we did some grocery shopping because we were going to go to my aunt’s house for a little SuperBowl party. We got there a bit after the game and Kasey made some chicken for everyone. Okay. I HATE sport and mainly football. It seems so ridiculous to me. I’m totally in it only for the commercials. Kasey does like sports. She likes the action and excitement. Now, usually I could care less who wins the damn thing, but this time I really did not want the Patriots to win. I just think them (and their fans) are too cocky. I also think they cheat. So this means…I guess…that I wanted the Giants to win. Wanting someone specifically to win made the whole thing a lot more fun. PLUS the Giants did win! Hoorah! It was a wonderful time and I drank way way too much wine.

My sister didn’t have such a good time. She is a HUGE Patriots fan.

Then it was finally Monday! Kasey and I were out of the house by 10:45 am and on our way to the Philadelphia Auto Show.

Another thing I don’t care about. Cars. I feel like cars any cars turn out to be a waste of money. All that gas and repairs. There is only one car my whole life I have ever lusted after. That car is the VW Beetle Convertable. And I sat in one! And had Kasey take plenty of pictures!!!!

It was beautiful. Omg! Loved it SO much.

We got there around noon, parked and headed to the Philadelphia Convention Center for the Auto Show.

Kasey also saw a bunch of cars she loved.

After the show we had lunch at Delilah’s in the Reading Terminal Market.

I had fried catfish, macaroni and cheese and collard greens. Kasey had fried chicken, macaroni and cheese and yams. It was delicious. Plus one of the workers there hit on me. His opener was, “You look like you’re deep in thought.” Then he asked if I was on my break and I mentioned the auto show and he asked where I was from. I said about an hour and a half away. He said, “Oh! That isn’t far at all. That’s a nice little drive.” Then said some more stuff. Then Kasey came back with our food. Thank you! When we were leaving he took our trash and told me to, “Be sure to come back and visit us soon, beautiful.” Flattering, but still. He doesn’t know me! Plus Kasey sometimes looks like a guy unless you notice he chest (which was hidden by a jacket yesterday). She could have been my husband! She was both amused and a little jealous.

After lunch we went back to the car and dropped off some of our stuff. It was time to go to LUSH!!! (Kasey gave me a gift certificate for our 6 month anniversary.) It was about 5 blocks down from our parking garage and we got to walk right threw City Hall, which we both thought was so interesting.

(note: I am sort of obsessed with body products and I love reading about what other people buy and going to websites that talk about body products. I also love it when I get to have new things. Feel free to skim through the rest of this entry if you could care less about this sort of thing. Thanks! <3, Angela)

When we got there we both came in and just deeply inhaled the store’s scent. Then I was off trying to find the things I wanted to purchase. The two sales women were super helpful and not at all pushy. However, one did have to tell me the bad news that they were discontinuing the Happy soap I like so much…so I got 2 big bars, 1 little bar and 2 pre-packaged bars of it. I’m so set with that soap. I also got a big bar of Sexy Peel soap because that one smells really good too.

I got small samples of the Sandstone Soap and Greenwash soap* both to try later. I really don’t like to buy soaps I haven’t tried yet. However, I have been thinking about getting the Figs & Leaves soap so I got a small bar of that. I just noticed that I have tried almost every soap they make. I think next time I will ask for samples of the last ones I haven’t tried yet.

In the prepacked soaps we got two of the ones that came with Happy. They call it the Sunny Hunny set. It also features the Karma soap we both like and Honey I Washed the Kids. I love using the Honey soap as a hand soap in the bathroom. It makes your hands smell SO good. It’s too sweet for me to have all over my body so that is why I prefer it as a hand soap.

Then we also got a pack of the Sweetie Stack because it has a Honey I Washed the Kids also and two other soaps I have been wanting to try Rock Star and I Should Coco.

I got a sample of Aromacreme natural deodorant because I read an article a while back about aluminum in deodorant being linked to breast cancer and since then it has really freaked me out using it. The problem is all store deodorants have aluminum in them. It’s the anti-persperant. So I’m trying it out and seeing how it goes. It smells really good…I will give it that. (I just read a bunch of the reviews and while most of them were positive the negatives all had the same problem. Burning harsh rashes…hmm…that might alone be enough to make me not complete my sample. Now, of course, not everyone has that problem or they wouldn’t make it anymore, but it’s enough to make me not want to pursue it. I might start looking into one of the others right away. )

I also got two lovely lip glosses. I got Lip Squeak and Honey Trap. I think I will keep using these. I’m very happy with how they feel on my lips and they also last a super long time which all my other lip glosses/chapsticks really lack.

I got the Love Lettuce facial mask. Their masks are only available in stores because they are very fresh and don’t feature preservatives. You also have to keep them refrigerated and they only last about 3 weeks. Last time I tried the Cupcake mask, but it really didn’t work for my skin. It was also brown and even though it smelled like chocolate I felt like I was rubbing poo on my face. Not something I want to experience. The Love Lettuce mask is divine! It leaves my skin feeling soft and smooth. Not dried out, but also not oily either. I am sure I will finish this mask and probably pick up some more in store next time we go to Philly.

Kasey got a chunk of the Lemslip Buttercream to try. It’s like an in-shower moisturizer. I didn’t notice this was for oily skin though so we might have to just get an idea of whether we like the concept or not and then switch to one for dry skin. She also got the Razorantium Shave Cream which I am hoping she will let me try out. She tried it already and really liked it. The last thing she got for herself was the Coconut & Almond Smoothie, which again I can’t wait to try for myself.

For my hair I got the Godiva Shampoo bar. I have had mixed success with their shampoo bars, but I decided to give them another chance. I’ll see if I like this one. It sounds really nice. Kasey also got me the Dream Cream which I LOVE it smells like this Lavender Chamomile Tea I used to drink and it is heaven. I think it is my favorite lotion from there yet. It keeps my legs nice and soft under my tights. It reminds me of the Body Butters I love so much from The Body Shop.

Last, but not least is the Golden Slumbers bath bomb we got for free with purchase. I still have my Butterfly bath bomb from our last trip so now we really have to go on a vacation so I can take a nice long bath.

Here is a view of all the fun stuff we picked up. I’m having so much fun using it all up.

So that was my three day weekend where I had fun doing three things I wouldn’t think I would enjoy. Sometimes life is surprising like that.

*Greenwash is a holiday soap that they decided to add to their regular soap family. So I am assuming they are reworking the look of it before it’s added back on the site.

Whew! Ya’ll don’t care for politics do you? I don’t blame you! Want to hear me bitch about my family a bit? No? Sorry! Better luck tomorrow.

Classes have been paid for and I am about to embark on my second semester at college. I registered for three classes, but due to monetary reasons I may be able to only keep one. It’s hard to take three because then not only will I have to pay out of pocket for the other two, but I will also hardly be able to work. It’s a mess. Fingers are crossed that next year I will be able to be a full-time student.

My classes as of right now are Psychology of Women, English Composition and French I. The one I am definitely 100% taking is Psychology of Women.

I’m a little frustrated right now about money. I tried very hard to save for Christmas presents for my family and they seem to think I just go buying things for myself all the time. I put as much money as I can into an untouchable savings account. I do this as often as I can even when it means not having any spending at all for the rest of that week.

Recently Kasey and I have stopped eating out. We make breakfast at home every morning and we make dinners at home at night. Kasey tries to take lunch to work and so do I.

Whenever I cook I do all of the dishes in the sink including the ones that are not mine. I clean out the fridge as often as possible. I clean off the perpetually dirty kitchen table only to have it completely cluttered again the next day. I still do my best.

However, I just seem to hear nothing, but complaints. Whenever Kasey and I are cooking my mom comes in to quip at us, “What’s burning?” to our “Uh…nothing. We’re cooking dinner.” You know? Something that never gets done in this house. Or she will add, “Make sure you do your dishes!” Which we always do along with the dishes that my parents have left behind from their breakfast.

Then my mom makes me feel like I owe them so much money and I don’t try to pay them back. I pay them $50 every week no matter what. I offered to do $100 a week and my mom said that wasn’t nessesary. I’m giving her $100 a week starting next paycheck. I hate it when people like to keep you owing them money so they have something to hold over you.

My mom also asked if Kasey was looking for an apartment yet. Keep in mind 2 weeks ago my father said Kasey could stay with us for a few MONTHS. I said she was working on saving up for a deposit. Hello? She hasn’t even gotten her first paycheck yet. Plus Kasey offered to give them rent and they said that wasn’t necessary.

Sorry to vent this all to you guys. I just feel like no matter what I will never be enough for my parents. At the base they are good people. My dad shows me that by agreeing to take in my girlfriend no problem. My mom though just makes me feel like such a failure. She makes me feel like no matter how hard I try I can’t please her. I didn’t even want her to loan me the money because I didn’t want her to have one more thing over me. She went ahead and did it anyway. I know me going to school is a good thing…I just hate this feeling.

I think we will have a better relationship when I am living in another state on my own and we see each other a few times a year. She always has my sister who can do no wrong!

The funny thing is that my mom is the queen of trying to find out what is wrong with me when the way I feel they are treating me is the problem. She always seems to be waiting for me to spill that I am unhappy in my relationships. She always wants an opportunity to tell me that she doesn’t really think I am gay.

Maybe I should end what is becoming a rant. I am happy about going to school. I am. I’m just too sensitive (a blog for another day) and I just let this all bother me way more than it should.

Bah!

P.S. - In happier news I finally finished my new About Me page. It’s over there on the left where it has always been with all new content. Woo!

So it’s over already. Christmas came and went before I even got used to the idea that it was that time of year.

My day actually turned out quite nice. I woke up around 8:00am and the rest of my family was already up and ready. I took a shower, got dressed then Kasey and I went down to join them. My mom made breakfast; we ate and then opened presents. Everyone seemed to really like what I got them. It turns out the money clip on my Brother Jay’s wallet was also a bottle opener, which was so perfect for him. It also turned out that Al needed a new wallet and he started putting stuff into the new one right away. My mom was all about the bottle of Lovely I got her and tried it on as we were sitting there and my dad started reading his Red Neck Dictionary aloud. So I felt really good about what I got everyone.

Kasey had a really bad day on Friday so I thought it would be a good idea to give her my present early. She loved it! I got her an iPod Classic and she was floored. So that was nice. She was one of the only people I knew who didn’t have an iPod yet. I also put some episodes of Chuck and Avatar on it for her. (She loves those shows.) I also got her the audio-book for The Golden Compass because she has wanted to read that. So that was another successful gift.

I got some great ones too! I got a new digital camera. Thank goodness! It’s cute. It is silver, but I suppose everything I own can’t be colorful. It’s a Canon PowerShot SD1000. It also has 7.1 mega pixels, which is wonderful. I also got Seinfeld seasons 1-4 from Kasey. My mom got me a gorgeous Gap sweater and a gift certificate. I have to admit that I really want to use that entire gift card on underwear. Kasey got me some tops from Lane Bryant and Old Navy. Jay gave me $20 and Al gave me a $15 iTunes card. My aunt and uncle gave me the 1st season of Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D List. My cousin gave me a fantastic Amazing Grace gift set and she got a gift card for Kasey and me to Regal cinemas. We can’t wait to use it! We want to see Sweeney Todd and Juno so badly. My sister got me a coffee grinder and some whole bean coffee grinder. Now I am dying to get a coffee maker for my room. How sweet would that be?

I think those are my highlights.

Also Kasey is officially living with me at my parent’s house. My website isn’t the place to go over the details, but she is doing well and things are good. My parent’s are amazing and sweet and I just don’t know what I would do without them. They never cease to surprise me. So I’m sure it is going to be a bit of an adjustment for both of us, but I am glad I was able to be here for her.

I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas. Mine was full of surprises.

P.S. - Whilst redeeming my iTunes card the code wouldn’t go through. WTF? Then I put on my glasses. Yeah…that P was actually and F. And it works. I should really start wearing these things.

My dog, Willow, seems to be doing a lot better. She got all sorts of injections and medications and she is still not doing 100%, but I really thought we might have had to put her down last week so compared to that she is fantastic.

I now have the code I need to register for classes, but I can’t do that until I pay off my college bill (whoops) so I guess that is what I need to focus on next week.

A situation arose with Kasey’s family and she is now living with me at my parent’s house. We have a lot to learn about each other.

I can’t believe that it is Christmas tomorrow. It is blowing my mind. Kasey and I have to brave the stores a bit today to get must-have items like juice and bows. I realize we are crazy. A different crazy however from my mother who started Christmas shopping today.

New Years Eve plans have been postponed (canceled?) so we might just find something little to do around town. Who knows. I don’t really mind in any case.

I hope all of you are doing well. Thanks for staying with me this year. I don’t know how I would have made it through this year without a blog. I love you guys!

I may be finally getting into the holiday spirit. I have almost all my Christmas shopping done and my gifts wrapped. I just ordered some things online this week with the guarantee that they would be in before Christmas. We’ll see how that goes. I have also been diligently working on some little projects that go along with certain gifts.

Today I have to go to school to finally register for classes which I have been putting off for a while now. I don’t really want to get into it. I’m just going to have to put my anxiety aside somehow and get done what needs to be done.

I was given the task of decorating the tree at my parents house and I just can’t get into it. That is one thing I am just not up to. So tonight my sister and mom are going to get pizza and wings and we are all going to decorate the house and tree. I think it’s a really good idea and I am happy to participate. I can get down with doing it all together, but me decorating a tree by myself is not something I am up to.

My friend, Kyle, is up from Boston and we have been spending some time together lately. Last night I went over to his house and saw the rest of A Smoky Mountain Christmas, had dinner, made cookies from scratch and watched an episode of Project Runway. I had a really enjoyable time. I’m glad we are getting to see each other so much this time. Sometimes when he visits I don’t get to see him at all.

I also have New Years Eve plans!! This will be my first new years in a long time that I have plans for. Kasey and I will be having a 4-course dinner at Simply Fondue and going to a club in Philadelphia and staying the night in that area. I can not wait! I love fancy dinners and I have never had fondue before. I’m also excited to actually be out when it’s time to ring in 2008. I’m ready for a new year. I’m done with 2007. I want to leave it in the past.

One of my bad habits is going to the website for Perez Hilton. I don’t do it religiously, but I do enjoy hearing celebrity gossip. Is it wrong that I sort of enjoyed reading about this whole Jamie Lynne Spears thing? Also I don’t even know what to think about this.

Jon Armstrong wrote this great piece at blurbomat about being with someone who suffers from depression. For me being someone who needs to deal with my depression issues often it was interesting to read the other side.

Lastly, my oldest dog Willow doesn’t seem to be doing well. She has hard pumps all over her body, she is walking slow, her tummy is all read with gray spots, he eyes are bloodshot, she isn’t getting excited about things she usually likes, she went outside several times in the middle of the night last night, she threw-up and she has been digging in the snow to get to grass to eat. I’m really worried about her. She’s not too old. She will be 8 on March 1st. It just seems to have come up all of the sudden. She seemed fine until yesterday when she seemed really bad. I mean…I don’t know what this means. We’re going to be keeping an eye on her and see if she approves. My brother and parents are so attached to this dog. I just don’t know what they would do if something happened to her. I’m actually very scared about it.

I just got back from taking her to the vet and they gave her 3 injections and 3 prescriptions as well as special food. We got blood work done and now we are waiting for the results…I’m so nervous. Kasey surprised me by coming to the vet’s office while I was there. That was really nice. I needed the support. I’ll keep you guys updated.