Can I vent to you about my very crappy morning?

I can?

Thanks so much. You are the best readers ever!

It all started well enough. I woke up 10 minutes late so I couldn’t blow dry my hair, but I usually don’t do that anyway so no big deal there. Kasey and I got ready and were out by 8:10 am. We stopped at the gas station and got breakfast. I put a whole $5 in my tank because that is how I do. Kasey was dropped off at work. I had my school books. Great. I began the half hour drive to my university.

To get there I have to take a highway which eventually ends and merges onto another highway. As I put on my turn signal, I checked the mirrors and honestly saw no one. I began to move into the other lane and then over another lane into the right slow lane. As soon as I got over I heard honking and I looked in my rear view to see a red car.

I had cut someone off. Shoot. They must have either been in my blind spot or coming up so fast that they weren’t there when I looked. Either way it happened. There was nothing I could do to take it back, obviously.

So this guy swerves into the other lane and flips me off. I wave back and mouth sorry. I’m not about to go flipping someone off first thing in the morning and I just didn’t want to deal with any drama.

Too bad for me.

This guy proceeds to swerve back into the slow lane right in front of me. (I was cruise controlled to 60 mph at this time.) He then slams on his breaks forcing me to swerve in the fast lane. Then I notice I am sandwiched in between this nutcase and someone else who had been trying to merge over. So with no other choice I amp my speed to 80 and get ahead of them both. Then I go back into the slow lane. I thought this guy was a dick, but I didn’t think he would do anything further.

Wrong again.

He came from behind me, swerved into my lane and did it to me again. I cut down my speed and tried to let him get ahead of me at this point. I stayed behind a truck for a while and then decided it might be safe to go a normal speed again. I started going my normal 60 once more and then I think I spot him a bit ahead. He must have been going slow also to wait me out. Before I get any warning, he shoots into my lane and slams on his breaks AGIAN. This time instead of going around him I stay behind and I called 911. I told them his license plate, type of car and color. He goes into the slow lane and I stay behind him in case they need more info.

As I am talking to the police he goes off to the side of the road. I think maybe he is freaked that I am on the phone or maybe he is just trying to do it to me again.

I stay on the line with them and then sure enough he appears a few minutes later side by side with me. He has his window down and I can tell he is screaming at me. His mouth was forming the words, “Roll your fucking window down.” Which, of course, I don’t I just tell the officer what he said.

He eventually speeds away and that is the last I see of him. They tell me to officially do anything real I will need to pull over and give an officer my statement, but it was already 8:40 am and I couldn’t miss my class. So I didn’t. I’m sure he got away.

I was so shaken up but I was calm with the police. Then I called Kasey to tell her what happened and I broke down and started crying.

I don’t know if I mentioned this here, but on the way back from The Women’s Leadership Institute back in June I had a guy try and run us off the road 3 times when I was driving with the 3 other women in the car. He also followed us and I had to call 911 then too.

I also was in a pretty bad car accident in 2004. I am just super shaky when it comes to being in cars and driving and I so didn’t need this today.

I was able to calm myself down a bit before class and I parked and got inside. Afterwards I decided to move my car because it was parked in front of a building that is pretty far from everywhere else.

As I was driving around there was a car in front of me that stopped suddenly (ugg). I stop too and all of the sudden the car goes into reverse and BACKS INTO ME. The person driving (who I later see is a middle aged woman) stops and goes forward again. I am so stunned and upset that I don’t even get out or check the damage (there was none thank goodness) I just go around her and try to find a safe spot.

I parked in a hidden lot I sometimes go to. Not many people know it is around. I’m sitting in the car and my anxiety really starts to come out. I am supposed to buy my textbook at the book store when I realize I forgot my credit card, so I can’t.

I just had to go home. My next class wasn’t for 5 hours and that teacher doesn’t have an attendance policy. I just needed to go home and feel safe.

As I am driving out basically the whole road is pedestrian crossing. It’s a college campus so it’s normal. I am going really slow and doing all the right things. I see a person (i think it was actually a professor) walking so I am slowed almost to a stop, but not quite. This person actually walks closer to my car (as I completely stop) then hits my hood and yells, “Watch it!”. I see you, sir! Don’t I look like I am being cautious of you? You’re so concerned I am going to hit you that you walk TOWARDS my car to hit my hood.

That was the icing on the cake. Time to go home right then.

I was able to safely make the half hour drive home, where I promptly locked myself in my room with my computer.

The end. (I hope)

Oh and P.S. - Kasey and I are going to New Jersey tonight to check on her dad. She hasn’t been able to reach him for a few days and she hasn’t spoken with him in a few weeks. We’re sure everything is fine and his phone just must be out, but it’s always scary to have a parent living alone and not be able to contact them. So please keep him in your thoughts today while we go down there. I’m sure everything is fine. We’re just worried.

So I seem to have made someone very angry recently. I’m not sure what set this person off per say. Perhaps they just stumbled upon my site and they were appalled that I was running around living my life without anyone telling me how evil I am? I don’t know.

Now, normally I wouldn’t hesitate to post hate mail here in it’s entirety so that you can all read it and bask in the persons insanity. I would also not hesitate to give you their email address. However, these particular emails (there have been two) are not particularly funny or entertaining. They are just very mean spirited.I also have quite the hunch that the author of these emails is Southern which is some sort of bonus for me because I’m sure many of you know how this Yankee feels about that*. (Or do you? Is that something I should address?)

In any case the main message is about me being gay, Kasey being black and a healthy dose of I’m fat and killing myself with food. (I’m actually trying to kill myself because secretly I hate myself for living unnaturally in the deepest kind of sin. I’m paraphrasing. I actually made it sound nicer!) They had a lot to say about a lot of things and BOY!!! DO THEY LIKE TO USE ALL CAPS AND EXCLAMATION POINTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So Loralee (you all read her I expect) has offered to help me by sleuthing the ip address and using some of her troll tricks. Yippee! So maybe this post is a warning of sorts? The first two times are free, the third time we’re out for blood? I didn’t save the emails because I wanted to get them far far away from me. So I deleted them and emptied my trash like a fool. Little did I know there might be a way to track this person down. Sigh.

So that’s my day. Feeling kind of downish anyway and then some random stranger dumps a pile of shit on my head. That analogy just grossed me out.

I don’t know what else to say about this situation right now. I’m a little stunned and honestly kind of pissed off. I’m actually sort of angry at myself for letting this bother me so much. Why should I care what someone else thinks? Maybe because they weren’t just talking about me? Who knows.

I suppose should talk to you. Some things are going on and I feel like putting them in list for because according to my 50 things about me, that is what I like to do best.

1. Remember when I was so excited to be taking 6 classes next semester? It seems that isn’t going to happen anymore. I couldn’t really afford to take one extra class each semester this past year so each semester I had to drop one. Apparently doing so made me ineligible for financial aid. To remedy this I need to take 7 credits this summer. Each credit will cost $216 so that really isn’t a possibility. I feel so stuck. I felt like this Fall my dream of being a full time student like everyone else would be real. I can’t afford to take the classes this summer and what’s more is that they really aren’t offering a lot and I wouldn’t be able to work my office job anymore.

So…I guess what is going to happen is that I will be taking 3 classes this fall instead of 6. Unless we figure something else out. This just really blows and I am trying to ignore the fact that there is even a problem because I won’t be able to handle it.

2. This also means that being secretary/treasurer of Women & Men For Awareness will be nearly impossible because I’ll have to work full time then too. Also! I won’t be able to direct The Vagina Monologues anymore.

3. I don’t know if I mentioned this here before, but I was selected to go to a Women’s Leadership Institute this summer from June 21 - 27. I was very excited about this because it will be very informative and they will help us start activities on campus based on it. However, now that I won’t be on campus for it I just don’t care. I almost canceled going, but it’s too short notice. I wish I was still excited about it.

4. Then I keep thinking maybe I should just bite the bullet and try to take 3 classes this summer. I mean, it would suck trying to pay for it. (That is almost $2,000!!!!!) However, it would keep me on track to be a full time student in the fall and it would just be a bump in the road. I mean….$500 a month for four months…I could try to manage that, yes? I am (supposedly) getting a new master card in the mail soon with a high limit. I could put it on that and just make payments.

Any input on this would be great because I am wracking my brain!

5. I am getting my hair did on Tuesday (finally!) and immediately afterwards I am going to have my vag gazed upon at the gynecologist office. I am oddly looking forward to the later. I have a touch of hypochondria and sometimes it just feels nice to hear a doctor say that everything is fine. I know I have been feeling worlds better since my check-up and that birthmark removal.

6. There is a cold dilemma going on at my office. Some people are to cold to function (me!) while others claim it’s hot in here (coworker who remains nameless) and I have begun to tape up the thermostat much to their dismay. Today I got a twenty minute barrage of complaints about how it ain’t right (their wording) to have to work in such hot conditions! Umm…70 degrees? Go complain to construction workers in Texas! I’m sure they would love to hear you talk about this. Give me a break.

This coworker also asks me question after question about topics I don’t care about nor do I have any information on. (for example: Where is the boss? Did he have a doctor’s appointment? Is he getting a heart scan? When is he coming back? Where is his wife? Did she go with him? When is she coming back? Will she be here today? Is this for his throat? Will he be in tomorrow?) This is no exaggeration. I wish it was! Let me ask you, if the answer to ever single on of those questions was, “I don’t know” wouldn’t you stop asking?

The past two years have shown me that regardless the questions will continue.

Alright…now I feel like the one who is complaining. I’m going to watch youtube videos of my own rabbits because I’m awesome like that.

UPDATE: I registered for 3 classes. Still not sure if it is even possible to do 9 college credits in three weeks and it will cost officially $2,518.00. Oh boy! Please shoot me! I will appreciate it later.

I am pretty sensitive. If you met me you probably wouldn’t guess that about me. In group situations I am usually able to come off as tough, sure of myself and a tad outrageous. That’s why I chose my site tag line to be Surprisingly Fragile.

This hyper-sensitivity might make women’s studies seem like such a hard field for me to get into because a lot of what feminists have to deal with is so sad. I just feel like we can rise above that. I feel like the more women and men educate themselves and really open themselves up to the world around them the more changes can be made. I feel like women and men should get paid the same for the same job, even though they say we do and we still don’t. I believe that laws to protect women should be better enforced. I also believe that men should start to be more accountable for themselves as well as the acts of other men and be strong enough to stand up when they see something happening they know isn’t right. This article about a girl who was assaulted TWICE on a college campus while other men watched and CHEERED broke my heart. I agree with Anne Frank. I do believe, despite everything that goes on in the world, that people are generally good. I believe in the goodness of others. So I don’t believe that every single man watching that happen agreed with what was being done. This girl fought back. She fought back against a group of men and ran to freedom. I bet there were men that stood by and watched and were too scared to do anything about it. I don’t think that is excusable any longer. Even if it scares you. Even if you are shaking while you are doing it it is necessary to speak out about what is wrong.

I spent a long time being quiet. I didn’t want to stir things up and events in my last relationship made me feel like I would be a hypocrite if I spoke out for other women. I have found my voice.

Other things I read that have been breaking my heart?

I had a really hard time for some reason hearing about Finslippy. I cried all through that entry. I feel like sometimes the world makes things seem so hard sometimes. You want good things to happen to good people. There are too many people with children who don’t deserve them (case in point: the recent incident Loralee had with neighbors who allow their 9 year old access to porn) and good people who are having such problems getting pregnant.

I just…I don’t know. I didn’t write this to try and bring anyone down. I am thinking about all of you and the various troubles going on and the things I have read and I feel overwhelmed.

This is really resonating with my right now.

We used to have fun. Didn’t we? I think I remember good times of just you and me. I would confess my thoughts and feelings to you and in reply you would say something encouraging. Remember that? Those were good days.

Remember when I felt like I could tell you anything? I used to go on and on about how vibrators make my vagina numb, but I buy them anyway and then don’t use them. Or about how excited I was to finally find a lube that didn’t make my vagina feel slimy and gross. Wasn’t that exciting? What about when I felt like I had things I couldn’t talk to anyone else about and I shared them with you and you patted me on the back and told me everything would be alright. That was nice.

I feel stuck lately, Blog. I keep thinking about getting rid of you or turning off comments to relieve the pressure, but I don’t think that is what I am looking for. Maybe it’s school…I don’t have a much time to devote to you and I certainly don’t get to go out and read new blogs and try and connect with new bloggers like I would like to. I do stay in contact with my regulars and that should feel like enough. I also haven’t been happy at work lately and money never seems to be enough.

My birthday is coming up and I thought I would be somewhere else right now. Not divorced and living in a room at my parent’s house with my new girlfriend. I need something more.

As usual, Blog, I don’t even know where I am going with this. Blogging often makes me feel like I can’t write. I have a terrible time with editing and grammar. Everyone seems more articulate than I am. Everyone seems funnier than I am.

When I am out with people joking and being myself they often say, “This is what you should be writing about”! It just doesn’t come naturally to me. I try to remember jokes and topics for you, but my memory sucks and I just can’t. Then when I do I worry it is going to offend someone and maybe I wouldn’t care if I had more people interested in you, but I don’t and I worry about offending the ones that are.

That’s silly though right? I mean, of course, people aren’t going to agree with me on everything. Why should they? I don’t agree with some of my favorite bloggers, but I don’t like them any less. I might not comment that day or politely disagree in comments, but the next entry I am back to giving them comment love. Why do I think it would be different for me?

I guess I need to relax. You tell me that sometimes and I don’t listen. I go back and forth about going back on my anxiety medication about as often as I think about dying my hair…which is a lot. I don’t want to be crazy anymore. I spent my teenage years being crazy wild Angela who gets in trouble all the time. Who says and does what she wants. I don’t want to be that person anymore. However, I think in not wanting to be that person I let myself get too far to the other side. I don’t speak up for myself anymore, I cry about everything, I dress very demurely and I am starting to feel like someone else.

I want to be fun and free spirited. I’m lonely. I try not to be, but I am. I am appalling at making new friends. I also think I let people get the better of me. I never used to do that. I never used to be like that. I believe people so easily and then when they let me down I am surprised. It’s maddening!

This letter was supposed to be shorter. I’m not even having a bad day. I just spent 3 hours trying to talk to you and I couldn’t so I thought it would help if I wrote you a letter.

Tonight Kasey and I are going to an Earth Day Celebration at my college. I am really looking forward to it and I recently bought a new charger for my camera so pictures are going to be back on the site soon. Tomorrow we are going to an event called Community on the Quad. So there are things to look forward to.

I’m not going anywhere, but I had things I needed to get out. Thanks for listening.

Love,

Angela

1. My tea smells weird. It is Constant Comment the tea that has a terrible name, but tastes delicious…usually. This tastes kind of the way that arm pits smell. It must be a bad bag or something.

2. Today in English Composition we had a debate about abortion. I was, of course, on the pro-choice side. The debate went well and our team won, but still debating something that I am that passionate about early in the morning was not fun for me. I know that some of the other sides team members weren’t even pro-life, but it still got me a little shaken up.

3. My uterus is conspiring with my ovaries in hopes of my demise. I would like to meet just one other person who gets cramps and menstrual symptoms as bad as I do. I know we would become best friends in a second. We could have little parties every time we got our periods and we would watch Titanic (don’t judge me) and cry (what did I just say to you) and eat chocolate cupcakes with chocolate icing. Until then I have Kasey who bends over backwards for me during the ordeal and I spend the rest of the month making it up to her, and the cycle continues. This month has been the worst I can remember in a long long time and I actually have conceded and I am now taking Midol. You win uterus! Are you happy?

4. My boss is out of the office and 2/3 of the people who call my job or come in talk to me like I am an idiot.

5. It is my sister’s 33rd birthday today and I forgot. She even came into my job and was here for about a 1/2 hour and I said nothing to her about it. Whoops!

6. I had to pay my credit card bill today and it was not small.

There are these daffodils on my desk. They are the ones from the American Cancer Society. My father bought them, but forgot about them for about 4 days. They tried to open while they were all packed up but they couldn’t. So they sort of emerged from their shells only to remain buds. I put them in water hoping they would regain strength and open. Instead they just remain yellow buds. They aren’t dead yet, but they aren’t really alive either. I would post a picture, but I still haven’t found my camera charger. The cell phone is still lost too.

Things have been happier. I’m really not in a good mood. You would think being that I don’t really get the opportunity to have gossip time with friends I would have more to say here. It seems the opposite is true. The less I am able to chat with other people the more introverted I seem to become. I don’t know. I hate the rain and I hate being cold. I have gotten two Cs on two papers and I feel like I am failing. It’s hard to shoot for perfection when you yourself aren’t even average. Blah. I need a break. I thought the night away would help, but I don’t know. I feel disconnected.

I just feel heavy and sad. I don’t think I get enough sleep and that never helps. I don’t ever want to go to work or school and I have been a lot more emotional than usual.

I don’t know what else to say. I just thought I should update with something and this is the best I can do.

Blah. Hopefully I’ll feel cheery again soon.

I missed yesterday? Wtf?

Oh well. Tuesdays are long for me. I had work than a night class than wings that took forever, but were really cheap and then Wal*Mart and then I tried to watch Dane Cook. Ehh..

Did you know that I am the queen of losing shit? No, I mean the absolute queen. I lost my favorite Tiffany Starfish necklace that was pretty much my most prized possession months ago.

Currently on the lost radar? The charger for my camera battery, my license, my photo card to get a new license, and my cell phone. It is KILLING me. So I can’t take pictures of Tula to share. (I killed the battery completely forcing it to upload those few photos of her.) I have also been trying to coordinate calling Loralee since January and now I can’t find my freaking phone.

It is maddening!

I am also used to having a messy office. So I don’t panic when things are lost because they must be in my messy office. Right now my office is 100% cleaned up and perfect and still these items are missing. Ugg. I need to go somewhere. I can’t deal with this. than again if I did go somewhere you wouldn’t know because I can’t take pictures to share with you!

1. No laptop. Crappy work computer with mouse that doesn’t work half the time and no sound.

2. Florescent lights that keep flickering and buzzing.

3. My boss said I could leave early and then when I was leaving he was all “Hey! Hey! Where are you going? I need you to answer phones!”

4. No enough sleep…again.

5. Unwashed face because I got out of bed two minutes before I was supposed to be arriving at work.

6. It smells like mildew in my office because the office flooded last week and my office never fully dried out.

7. I have a ton of school work I was supposed to do this week and I haven’t done any of it yet.

8. My office is a mess and I don’t have any trash bags.

9. I feel like I never have money anymore that I can just spend on myself.

10. My conditioner doesn’t seem to be agreeing with my hair and I loathe when my hair is dry and/or frizzy.

I could go on all day. It’s just one of those dark cloud days. I’m sure I’ll feel better the moment I leave my office, but right now I am just super annoyed.