The year was 1998 and I was 14 years old. I was sleeping over a friends house, in fact a friend I had since elementary school. There was a small group of us there that day. We took a walk to a gas station, a wawa, and after buying a few items we went outside. We were standing by the side of the building leaning and being bored. (Aren’t teenagers bored a lot?) Fairly soon after someone noticed a cigarette in an ash tray.

It was fairly long in length and us being the ages we were unable to purchase such an item for ourselves made an obvious connection. (Oh yes.) So we quickly got some matches, lit the thing and then the four of us passed it around.

Let that process for a moment.

I smoked a cigarette that had been thrown away by God knows who and then I shared it with four other teenagers. Nasty. I shudder now at the thought.

While I’m telling you these sort of things anyway I also remember another sleepover when I was younger. It was in fourth grade so I must have been 9 years old. My friend, Marie, and I were playing truth or dare with her older brother and his friend. Somehow we all dared each other to suck on a Jolly Rancher and then pass it around so that everyone had to suck on the same candy.

Why? I have NO idea! These are the things we thought of to entertain ourselves with back then.

The last confession I have for you is that in that same evening I was dared to french kiss her older brother. (He was 11 I think) We both closed our eyes, leaned in a little and totally missed. Then we decided to try it with our eyes open. So we leaned in again, but we had our tongues out before we even reached each other! We just couldn’t figure out the logistics of how to do it. So we gave up after the second try and called it a night. Which, looking back is such a good think because I would hate to have that have been my first french kiss.

Hmm….I know this was all years ago, but I think I am going to swish with mouthwash for an extra minute today.

I have been struggling with this post for a little while now. On one hand I wanted to make a record of it, but on the other hand I feel guilty taking away from what other people have had to go through in similar situations. Well that just made it sound bad, didn’t it? I’m fine. It isn’t really about me. On May 16, 2008 my grandmother died. She was 84 years old and I’m honestly not sure how she died.

It’s a difficult situation. I last saw her in Wal-Mart a few years ago. I was shopping and I saw her there with an aunt my family is no longer in contact with. I don’t remember what we said, but I do remember she looked to tiny. Before that I must have been 15 the last time I saw her. It was probably at her house for a holiday meal before all the craziness happened. I was much shorter then and she didn’t seem so small to me. I never realized she was short until that moment. That sticks out to me. I think the last things she said to me were, “I love you and I miss you” and I said “I miss and love you too”. Then we shared a hug and parted ways. I haven’t seen or heard from her since.

She wasn’t the nicest person. She smoked constantly and would tell you exactly what she thought of you in a way that would probably be comical to an outside audience. Much like Sophia on Golden Girls. Her obituary says many things about her canning and quilting…I don’t remember any of that. I remember her peeling potatoes and the way all her food has too many onions. I remember never understanding why anyone would put bay seasoning in their pasta sauce if you can’t eat them. She also made these delicious pineapple cookies. Those I can even remember the taste of though I haven’t had them since I was maybe 10 or 11.

You might notice my grandma memories are all food related. I only really saw her on Christmas and Thanksgiving and on those days she was where women were supposed to be. Wearing an apron, in the kitchen, cooking for the family. I don’t find that as endearing as many others do. I think it kept me from knowing her better. My grandfather got all the down time sitting and watching TV as this all went down in their tiny little trailer home. It is with him who I got to have conversations, but please don’t think I am about to bring up works of wisdom. Nope, mostly little tyrants about the Italians (heavy on the I) and some of the injustices of the world. None of which have stuck with me.

While I never had a close relationship with either of them when my grandfather passed away several years ago there was some dispute about money or something and we lost touch with my grandmother and older aunt in some sort of epic family feud. Being that there was no money to bury my grandfather he was to spend all eternity safely contained in a coffee tin. This seems to bother most people, but I pretty much feel like once your gone, your gone so coffee tin, $4000 casket, it’s all the same.

So while everyone in my family, basically, was not on speaking terms with her I was indifferent*. I got her address from my mom and wrote her a letter. I still have the letter she sent back to me somewhere. I also called her once. I had meant to come out to her at some point, but I never really felt it was that important. I always meant to write her more, but life got messy and I forgot to. I wonder if I’ll regret that.

We were never close. I have never been close to any of my grandparents. They certainly all have their favorite grandchildren and I am so not it. Maybe that is what I regret. That we weren’t able to be closer even when I was younger. My father had a difficult relationship with his parents and I guess it was inevitable that would get passed down to me. If anything she is part of my history and one day I can tell my children about peeling potatoes and sauce that never made any sense to me.

I believe I like the idea of grandparents more than my own grandparents. I wish I had the sort of grandmother I could call on the phone. The sort that would send me a card on my birthday. I would love to have someone teach me what they know about quilting or *gasp* tell me what working was like when women were allowed to work outside the home during the war. That would be awesome.

Well, I still have two grandparents left and even though they just see me as my mother’s fat daughter who never has a boyfriend and who doesn’t go to church. I guess that’s fine. They’re my family and perhaps not everyone gets warm loving caring grandparents. Hopefully I will live long enough to be that for my own grandchildren and that will make all the difference. I will hug them, love them, send them cards and I’ll make sure to tell each and every one of them that they are my favorite.

Until then, Goodbye Grammie. It was hard to figure out how to say it, but I will miss you. My memories of you aren’t exactly pleasent, but I’m sure you don’t have to many of me either and maybe we both did the best we could.

*My least favorite word ever!

Yesterday was a bit emotional for me so for today I give you this survey.

1. Do you like blue cheese?

- Blue cheese used to be my favorite salad dressing, but somewhere my tastes changed to ranch. I still prefer it to go along with hot wings though.

2. Have you ever used heroin?

- I love questions like this because if I did would I ever confess to it on a survey? It doesn’t matter I guess since I haven’t done any drugs.

3. Do you own a gun?

- No. I never would. I don’t think I would allow guns to be in my house either. I pretty anti-guns.

4. What flavor do you add to your drink at Sonic?

- I have never been to Sonic. We don’t have one anywhere near me. I watch there commercials and listen to OMSH and I frown.

5. Do you get nervous before Dr. appts?

- I get so nervous. You have no idea. I make someone come with me and I cry before getting shots. Literally I cry.

6. What do you think of hot dogs?

- Yum. I am all about fancy foods, but I still have a thing for hot dogs and bologna. I take my hot dogs (when possible) with chili and sauerkraut. You can turn up your nose and mock me now.

7. Favorite Christmas song?

- “At Christmas” by Hanson on their Snowed In album. I know, I’m a dork. Just because they had one annoying single doesn’t mean they aren’t really talented though.

8. What do you prefer to drink in the morning?’

- If I’m tired then coffee. If not I try for water.

9. Can you do push ups?

- Bahahaha! I have no idea. If high school gym class has taught me anything though…not so much.

10. What do you order at Starbucks?

- A green tea Frappuccino. Yum!

11. What’s your favorite piece of jewelry?

- I don’t really have one. I have a pair of uterus earrings that I really like, but honestly the chance to wear them doesn’t come around often.

12. Favorite hobby?

- Blogging, I also love to paint, make jewelry, take pictures and travel.

13. How do you eat your eggs?

- However someone cooks them for me. Usually scrambled.

14. Do you have A.D.D.?

- Nope.

15. What’s one trait that you hate about yourself?

- I feel like I am way too emotional. I almost cried yesterday because I saw a truck full of trees that had been cut down. Seriously.

16. Middle name?

- We’re not going to go there. (For search reasons)

17. Name 3 thoughts at this exact moment…

1. I really like Diet Dr Pepper Cherry Chocolate.
2. I wish I didn’t have to pimp my goods on Ebay.
3. I hope I’m able to get all my school work done on time.

18. Name 3 things you bought yesterday.?

1. Nothing.
2. ”
3. ” … As of yesterday I had $3 to my name that I used on gas today. Life is fun!

19. Three drinks you regularly drink?

1. Kool Aid (cheap!)
2. Water
3. Milk

20. Current worry right now?

- That I will always be poor.

21. Current hate right now?

- Winter.

22. Favorite place to be?

- Anywhere but here. (Stereotypical I realize.)

23. How did you bring in the New Years?

- I spent mine with Kasey in Maple Shade, NJ.

24. Where would you like to go?

- I’ll take a trip to anywhere.

25. Name three people who will complete this?

- I won’t obligate anymore. I just thought this would be fun and I found Kelli’s answers interesting so I wanted to add my own.

26. Do you own slippers?

- Nope.

27. What shirt are you wearing?

- I am wearing a black 3/4 length sleeved shirt I got a Kohls.

28. Do you like sleeping on satin sheets?

- I never have, but something tells me I wouldn’t like it and I think Kasey would hate it.

29. Can you whistle?

- I can’t! Many people have tried to teach me, but I just can’t. I think it has something to do with my overbite.

30. Favorite color?(s)

- Red, yellow, purple, pink and lately bright green.

31. Would you be a pirate?

- Not currently, but it seems like a nice alternative to life during that time period.

32. What songs do you sing in the shower?

- Whatever is playing on the CD I am listening to.

33. Favorite pet’s name?

- Penelope! The love of my life in bunny form.

34. Favorite boy’s name?

- Kai

35. Whats in your pockets right now?

- There aren’t any pockets on this damn skirt.

36. Last thing that made you laugh?

- Something Kasey said while we were in the car. She always makes me laugh.

37. Best bed sheets as a child?

- I had this plain white sheet that was cotton, but it must have had a good thread count or something because it was so smooth. I remember loving the way it felt against my skin when I was like 4. That is one of my earliest memories.

38. Worst injury you’ve ever had?

- I guess a sprained ankle.

39. Do you love where you live?

- No. It used to be alright here, but there has been a huge population growth here over the years and this area was not built for this many people. It also used to be so beautiful and now it seems like where ever there is a forest they cut it down to build a new development or a Wal*Mart or a casino. It’s just too much. Plus it’s cold and there aren’t enough good jobs. I’ll miss my family, but I can’t wait to get out of this area.

40. How many TV’s do you have?

- I personally own one very old 19″ TV. I think it’s time for an upgrade.

41. Who is your loudest friend?

- Kyle.

42. How many dogs do you have?

- I have two dogs, but they belong to my parents now.

43. What are you thrilled about right now?

- Oh goodness. You know what? I am a happy enough person, but I think I’m in a low period right now. I don’t feel thrilled about anything. This is one of those things that I believe goes along with having unmedicated depression and anxiety problems. When there is a problem with the balance in your life (for ex. my current money problems) it throws everything off balance. I know I will get back on track, but while I’m in it I feel like I am drowning.

44. Do you have a crush on someone?

- Yes.

45. What is your favorite book?

- The Time Traveler’s Wife by Audrey Niffenegger - It was fabulously written.

46. What is your favorite candy?

- I don’t really like candy that much. I guess I could say those mini Almond Joys.

47. What is your favorite sports team?

- Yeah…not my thing.

48. What song do you want played at your funeral?

- Okay I am a weirdo and I have a list of songs I would like to have played at my funeral. “Seasons of Love” from RENT is a must.

49. What were you doing 12 AM last night?

- Umm…I think I was actually having sex at that time last night. Haha!

50. How many secrets are you keeping?

- Way too many.

I have been dying to post about my Valentine’s Day. I know some people are so over the whole V-day thing, but it is honestly my favorite holiday. I just love going into stores and seeing lots of pink and red and hearts. It makes me happy.

This year is also special because it is Kasey and I’s first Valentine’s Day together. So it means a lot to me.

On Tuesday February 12, Kasey borrowed my car because she needed to run some secret errands. I was curious, but I wanted to leave it be because I know Valentine’s Day is right around the corner and she likes to be able to surprise me.

Later in the day after she had gotten home she said she was cleaning and making our room nice because sometimes she feels like I take on too much of the work. I thought that was super sweet of her.

She arrived at my office to pick me up from work and I was so excited to see her I forgot about the surprise. Due to the arriving snow I was able to leave work an hour early and go home.

When we got home I was excited to watch the episode of Beach Weddings I had Tivoed. However, Kasey motioned that she wanted to go upstairs. I thought that was fine. We could watch the episode later on. I followed her up to our room.

This is what I walked into!

I have a thing for those big balloons and to date I have only gotten one for my 21st birthday. It was really special to me that Kasey got these for me.

She set this up to ask me to be her valentine. I thought it was cute because it was more traditional instead of assuming I would be.

She even wore a shirt that had hearts on it that said Be Mine. It was so thoughtful.

Wednesday Kasey came to pick me up at work. On the seat was another cute box and it had a tag on it that said “I love…” and inside it was filled folded up pieces of paper and on each one she had written what she loves about me. It was amazing and I was totally blown away because it was stuffed full of these little papers.

She drove us to Blockbuster to rent movies (Becoming Jane and Martian Child) and on the way I opened the little papers and read what they said.

On Thursday I knew there was probably something planned, but I tried not to think about it too much.

When Kasey came to get me at work she brought me a bouquet of tulips.

Then we went back home and she had set up rose petals and confetti on the bed with tissue paper and balloons everywhere! It was so nice and I felt so loved.

In the box was a card and a specially made Valentine’s Day mix CD. Kasey makes me mix CD for special occasions and I can’t say how much it means to me. So that was really special to me.

I loved everything. It was perfect.

Thanks for putting up with me during this post and letting me remember everything.

I have been collecting a few quotes from conversations between Kasey and I. Some are from a while ago and some are recent. I thought I would post them here.

Kasey - I don’t know if my do-rag is too tight but I am definitely getting drunk faster.

Kasey - Oooh!! If you tried to touch my eggs I would peck you!”

This is one I had at a club in Stone Harbor this past summer:

Me - “This isn’t even going to get you anywhere because I am a lesbian.”
Crazy Dance Guy - You need to move with me!
Me - “LESBIAN” said while pointing at myself
CDG - “This is what I do. This is how I live my life. I express myself through dance and the music.”
Me - “I am also leaving now, like right now.” I begin to try and move off the dance floor
CDG - “Let the music move you. Be free! This is how I live my life!!” As he follows me off the dance floor and almost out of the club.

Kasey - “He fell like that on purpose! He was tryin’ to get a little Corbin Blue up the wazoo, if you know what I’m sayin’” (While watching High School Musical 2. Is nothing sacred?!)

Kasey - “My dick feels like corn”
Me - “Oh baby! I’m going to shuck it.” (Sometimes we give each other different situations and ask what they other one would do. This is her seeing what I would do if she said the Dane Cook embarrassing sex line and the latter was my response. See! I am a polite girlfriend. I just go along with whatever gets thrown at me.)

Another thing we often do is make fun of large dogs and pretend to mistake them for horses. We often have these pretend scenarios where we pretend to actual say this to the god owner. Funny only to us I am sure.

Us - “What’s wrong with your horse?!?”
Owner of the Great Dane - “Uhh…What are you talking about? This is my dog.”
Us - “That’s an ugly ass doog!”

Me - “Creepy old man at 3:00″
Kasey - “Oh yeah. Weirdo.”
Me - “Is that 3? Maybe it’s more like 5.”
Kasey -”Really? I would say it’s 3 or perhaps like 3:30″
Me - “Yeah…maybe. I can’t believe that we just had this conversation”
Kasey - “I guess it would be 4:00″
Me - “I so love you.”

We also think of meaningless pranks we can preform on people and the horrified reaction the receiver of the prank is always the same. So we say the following a lot.

*Described nonsensical prank*
Consistent public reaction: “Who would do such a thing?!?”

Sometimes the horse/dog scenario works with other animals!

Kasey - “Holy crap! Look at all those sheep! Or maybe goats…”
Me - “Wow! They are definitely sheep. Who knew there were sheep around here?”
Kasey - “Yeah. Crazy.”
Me - “Or they might be really ugly dogs.”
Kasey - “What happened to your dogs?!”

Kasey - “I wish I had a big stick.”
Me - “Why? So you could poke her?”
Kasey - “Yeah.”
Me - “Babe!”
Kasey - “Lightly!”

Me - “What’s with virgins and handjobs?”

School is about the same. I spent hours and hours studying Biology and then we started a new chapter and I am back to not knowing what the heck is going on.

Friday was kind of blah for me and I knew I wouldn’t be seeing Kasey* so I decided to stop and get myself some yummy sushi to go to have for dinner. I paid and since it wouldn’t be ready for a bit I decided to get some gas. I left my nice parking spot and went across the parking lot to the gas station. I pumped my gas and went back to the now crowded parking lot. I found a spot next to a black car. I tried to pull in, but I was cutting too close. I went to back up and pull in, but there was a car behind me. I was also itching my leg as I pulled in and wearing my glasses which I usually don’t do. This all lead up to me hitting the car next to me. When I realized I did it I sat there for a moment and I will be honest. I thought about just moving to another space. As I was thinking about this I noticed the owner of the car standing outside my window. So I had to suck it up and deal with the consequences of my stupidity.

The woman didn’t want to go through insurance, but she did call a police officer to make a formal report. I was terrified at that point that the officer would notice my car was uninspected and I would be in huge trouble, but he didn’t. We traded information and she is going to call me after she gets the car looked at to let me know how much I owe her. Luckily it’s only a scratch and a small dent. My fingers are crossed that it won’t be too expensive.

Then I picked up my sushi and went home.

That night I ended up staying over at Kasey’s house because the next day we were doing to a wine festival in New Jersey. We got on the road around 10 am and we got there right on time. It was in the cutest little historical town. We tried a bunch of wines and had some delicious kabobs. It was only 1:00 pm when we were done so we decided to head somewhere else. I was thrilled we got there when we did because when we were leaving the lines coming in were ridiculous.

While leaving we got to hear an elderly parking assistant loose his shit with cars parking in the (unmarked) handicapped section. He actually began screaming curses to the people in the cars. He was crazy!

Instead of heading towards home we decided to keep following the road and see where we ended up. We passes Seaside Heights and thought about stopping there, but we kept going. In a short while we ended up in Atlantic City!

We parked our car at the Tropicana and looked around a bit. It was so gorgeous. I wish I had thought to take photos of the beginning of our trip.

We ate at a place called Corky’s that loves BBQ sauce. I ordered a burger, but I also got wings as an appetizer. That wasn’t a good choice on my part. I should have just gotten wings and fries because once I ate the wings I wasn’t hungry for my burger so I ended up taking that to go.

We went back to the car to put the food in and grab a few things and then we headed down the boardwalk. We went into a cute candy store called It’s Sugar and got some candies. We also stopped by one of the little souvenir shops and bought a blanket to lay on on the beach.

It was getting a little towards the late side and the sky was beautiful. I would love to see a sunset from the West Coast. It must be beautiful. It’s not bad from our side either.

We stayed on the beach for a while and then we headed back into the Tropicana to get our car and head home. We briefly thought about seeing an IMAX movie, but we would have gotten home so late.

A little ways into our trip home I started getting hungry and Kasey was getting tired. We stopped off at one exit randomly and we noticed a group of hotels. We decided to see what the prices were…you know, just for fun. They ranged from $71 to $100 a night. We went to White Castle, picked up some food and were prepared to go home when we decided what the hell. Let’s spend the night here. We checked in and got our room at the cheapest one and it was actually really nice.

We had a really nice night there and it was good to relax after our busy day before heading home.

We made a few stops on the way back home and just had a really good time in general. It was one of the best weekends ever. I was sad to see it end.

*If you’re wondering who this person is you missed an entry. You can email me [sparkliesunshine] [@] [hotmail] [.] [com] for clarification. Thanks! (You can also leave a question in the comment section and I’ll answer it via email.)