Boy does that feel true today.

Do any of you remember my life a year ago today? Let me refresh your memory.* Oh yes. It has been one year since my big break-up/pseudo divorce. Probably the only time in my life I have been thankful that gays cannot get legally married because this would have made for one deeply messy divorce.

A year ago today I was standing outside shoeless with a broken cell phone trying to get back into my office. Oh what fond memories I am having. I wanted to write a little something to acknowledge that this time has passed.

I feel like I am a different person than I was then. I read those entries and I feel like I would never let someone treat me that way now. I feel happier.

Before I felt like I was a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. I don’t feel that way anymore. I don’t feel like I am trying to be someone that I am not. My life feels so good right now. I am doing well in college, in a healthy relationship and doing the things that make me happy.

I have had several epiphanies about things that I have been a little blue about this year and those epiphanies have left me feeling so much better. I was really down about all the friends I have lost through all of this and (this might sound cocky) I don’t feel down about it anymore. I am an excellent friend to have. I am caring and thoughtful of my friends in a way that isn’t forced or phony. I genuinely care about them and their feelings. I am the sort of friend that will see something that reminds me of you and I’ll buy it regardless of when your birthday is and I don’t want anything in return. So…I am not going to stress about this anymore. I know that I will make more friends soon in college and at various things I attend. I also have made new friends with some of Kasey’s friends and they are sweet and wonderful. I’m doing great. I’m feeling great.

Tomorrow it will be one year since my 6 and a half year relationship ended. To commemorate/celebrate Kasey and I are going to Atlantic City to see Kathy Griffin with tickets we got on the cheap from eBay. Woo!

I also just wanted to say thank you to everyone who has been with me this past year. You’re all so sweet and you mean so much to me. You really make blogging awesome.

* I made a new page about my protected entries for new readers. You can check that out here if you are interested.

I have been meaning to write a little something about my Prom for Loralee. She is doing a prom project.

Mine was not that long ago, in May of 2003. I was still married to The ex Mrs. back then and since we were already together we thought why not make prom even more fun and invite two of our friends who don’t go to school with us to be our prom dates? She was going to take our friend Steve and I was going to take our friend Anatalia.

Anatalia was attending a university in New York at the time and 3 days before prom let me know she couldn’t attend because she didn’t have a ride, but still declined our offer to come and get her. I was really annoyed and couldn’t find anyone else last minute so we told Steve he could bring a friend so he invited one of his friends from school.

This is the thing I regret about prom. When Steve arrived with his friend it was someone I had met before and I didn’t think I liked her. I also felt like she may have been flirting with me and I didn’t want to give her the wrong message…so…I sort of snubbed her for most of the night. I know! I’m sorry! Looking back I feel really badly about it now, but I was 18 and selfish then. I was also not a fan of her dress even though, now I realize she found out two days before she was going and probably picked out the nicest dress she had and did what she could with her hair. I think I was just still upset about my friend standing me up that I just looked at her and saw that she wasn’t my buddy.

That was the only downfall of the night. My friend Kyle was going stag so we sort of became each other’s dates for the night. The ex Mrs. was still in the closet so we didn’t have our pictures professionally taken together. Kyle and I did so I have a very nice picture of the two of us. Looking at this picture I wish I had a little more self confidence back then. I never smiled with my mouth open because I hated my teeth and I wore that shrug most of the night to cover up my arms.

I was in love with that dress from the moment I saw it and it was the perfect choice for me. I still own it. It’s shoved in a box in my closet. I’m unsure of what to do with it. If I were more talented I would turn it into something else. This dress may also be why in a class of nearly 1,000 students I was voted Most Unique girl.

The hair was donated by an older gay man who ran a gay youth group I attended through high school. His husband ran a really nice salon and they did mine, The ex Mrs., and Kyle’s hair for free. That was a really sweet deal because it is a really expensive place to get your hair done.

I let them be creative with my hair and I love the way that it turned out. If I had more money I would go there all the time to get my hair done.

All I remember about prom is dancing. I think me and my friends danced more than anyone else. I remember looking over tables of people who used to mutter names about me and my sexuality and they all just looked…miserable. Just sitting there trying to look cool. I felt satisfaction in that moment. I knew who I was and I didn’t care what anyone else thought. I was just doing to dance and have a good time.

Afterwards we went to Perkins for bad food, mostly because it’s the only place open after midnight and you have to go somewhere simple when you are all dressed up. Looking back I regret we didn’t hit up Wal*Mart too, but we were so tired.

Somewhere I have more pictures from the night, but I don’t know where they got put so I have to just repost the same pictures I put up before. One of these days I’ll have to put up some older pictures of myself.

Also for today’s NaBloPoMo List.

Five Things I Loved About Prom

1. My dress.
2. The fact that I ditched the fancy heels I bought and wore cheap COMFORTABLE sandals.
3. My hair.
4. Dancing.
5. Feeling really beautiful for the first time.

**

Also not sure if you’re into it, but I have a few Ebay auctions going right now that I might as well mention. Some Coach wallets and card cases, fossil card cases, Nautica and Calvin Klein Wallets. Also LUSH facial lotions and Burberry, J Lo, Britney Spears and Tommy Bahama perfumes. All new. Here is the link to my ebay auctions. Sadly none of them are Charity auctions because I need the money right now. Hence selling all this stuff in the first place.

Please don’t feel like you should buy anything though. I just posted this in case I happen to be selling something you already wanted to buy.

My scary paper was turned in on Monday and I will (hopefully) be getting the grade back on Wednesday.

Yesterday I had to go into the local gas station to get some things for work. It is the same gas station where my ex’s mom and sister work. Usually this isn’t a big deal. Her mom is nice enough to me and I am out in a few minutes. I even had a brief conversation with her sister once. All fine. However, yesterday was a little different because the baby was their. The baby that used to be my niece. It’s amazing how quickly babies grow. It has been eight months since my break-up and she looks so much bigger. She looks so much older.

She turned 3 in August so she’ll be 4 before I know it. She looked at me twice, but didn’t recognize me, which is good…I guess. I am glad because I think it makes it less confusing for her if she doesn’t see me anymore and I know Hanna has been told that I am, “all done” so I don’t know how it would be for her to see me again. On the other hand it really hit it home for me that she will never remember me. I only knew her for the first 34 months of her life. She won’t remember that. So it’s hard. I miss her. I miss all of them.

I will always miss hearing Hanna say my name and the way she danced with me. I will miss going down the slide with her at the park and they way she looked when I put my Uggs on her. I hope I remember that stuff enough for the both of us. The way she felt when I held her in my arms for the very first time and how amazing it was to hear her say my name for the very first time. They day I thought she could handle having a balloon and it made her crazy and we had to let it go. Hearing her say, “It blew away” over and over again.

I think that is (for me) one of the hardest things about breaking up. You lose this whole other family that you used to have. It’s so weird. It’s strange to bump into people you used to live with and see everyday and feel like a stranger. Not to mention feel like they think terrible things about you.

I think we can all agree that breaking up sucks. This is my first one so I guess I have a lot to learn.

I actually did have a break-up once before, but we were both 15 and I broke up with him in the cafeteria at lunch and afterwards we sat next to each other and snuggled because we were weird like that. Plus we had only gotten to second base once and I don’t think it is even comparable to my current situation.

I used to be really upset with all my friends for not supporting me, but I am starting to let go of that also. I am realizing that it is not really their fault. It’s easy when you only know half of the story and truthfully I am better off now than I was then. So it’s fine.

I recently opened up about the entire thing to my friend, Kyle after some pressing and, of course, that damn paper needed to be proofread. It was surprising and really went better than I thought it would. That helps too. I guess it’s all a learning experience.

[This post is extremely long, scattered and (for me) emotional. Please bear with me because I just had to write it all out so I could be done with it and everyone would know most of my side of the story.]

I guess it’s time for an update. I haven’t really spoken about my breakup since it happened. Sometimes it doesn’t feel real. It feels like I have been dreaming for these past few months and I could wake up at any time. Though most of the time it feels very real.

This month has been a little harder for me emotionally because I think I am stepped out of the relationship more that I can see it
from a different perspective. That has lead to some heavy feelings for me. I feel like she didn’t really love me at all. I think she loved me in high school when we first got together. I think she loved that exciting wild person that I used to be. I think she loved the idea of me. I don’t think she loved me.

Otherwise I don’t get it. I don’t get why she would be so mad at me for leaving when she knew I had no choice. I don’t get why she would let all of our friends think bad things and basically betray me. I don’t get why she would be able to not return my phone calls or call on my birthday or be happy for me that I am doing okay now and I’m safe. Perhaps it is just selfishness or perhaps she saw the relationship differently. I have been trying to rationalize it in a way that could show that she really did indeed love me and I just don’t think that can be true.

I remember when things started to go badly and I wanted to go to counseling and she wouldn’t do it. She wouldn’t go with me. That hurts me because it makes me feel like I wasn’t worth getting better for. The only time she seemed at all serious about it was the last time I was walking out the door and it was already way to late.

That someone else is being blamed for the end of everything kills me. People really think I would walk out on a six year relationship that to me was basically a marriage just because I was attracted to someone else is ludicrous.

I was attracted to someone else and I was honest about that. I told her what I felt and I made it clear that I would never act on those feelings. That is one of the things I loved about our relationship. We had very good trust between us. I felt like I could be honest with her. I don’t know if because of the tumultuousness our relationship had or what, but she started to become very suspicious of any time Kasey and I spent together. Then she started saying we shouldn’t hang out together and at this time I wasn’t even thinking of Kasey romantically because we had become such close friends.

So…I honestly forget what happened, but I guess Kasey wanted to spend a day hanging out with Kimberly exactly like one of the times Kasey and I had spent together to show Kimberly there was nothing going on. (Let me try to remember this.) So apparently Kasey and her cuddled and then when Kasey at the end told her everything they did was exactly what we did Kimberly sort of freaked out. I suppose it is because I didn’t tell her that happened. I probably left it out to avoid more fighting and suspicions from her, but we had rules about cuddling with other people and I wasn’t breaking those rules. If something had happened that did I would have told her. [Side note – Our rule for cuddling was I could cuddle other people, but they couldn’t cuddle you. Mind you this is all either in the front seat of a car or for a few minutes sitting up on a bed (a bed b/c at this age our homes are our rooms and there aren’t couches) so it’s not like lying in bed snuggling.

Okay. So my omission of that was considered big lie #1. After that Kasey and I weren’t really allowed to hang out, but at my pleading we were able to see each other one Saturday for three hours. Kasey had showed me where she lived so I wanted to show her where I lived. I knew three hours wasn’t much time, but I wanted to follow Kimberly’s rules and make it work.

I went and picked Kasey up in front of where she worked. We were supposed to meet at 12, but I thought it might be better to go early. Even though we were on limited time we wanted to stop and visit Kimberly at work because we thought she might enjoy it. We got there and she looked pissed. She was really short with us and then…I think Kasey went out to the car and I went over and Kimberly yelled at me for being together earlier than I previously told her we would be. I explained what had happened, but she didn’t seem to believe me and then I said I had to go because she was wasting the limited time Kasey and I had to hang out. (Oh and what I didn’t understand is why if I was going to switch the times like that would I show up at her work so she could see?)

So Kasey and I went to lunch, to see some of the local lakes, we drove past my parents house and I took her to my brother’s music store. Then it was obviously time to go so we drove back to Stroudsburg and it became apparent that I was not going to be done on time. I had called Kimberly and she didn’t feel well she was starting to get a headache and so I needed to stop and get her water and Tylenol. I got it at Mr. Z’s where Kasey was going into work. When I was on my was on my way to Kimberly’s work I called and said I was late because I had to pick up her medicine and there was a long line at Wal*Mart. Guys. I know it was the wrong thing to do. I just didn’t want to fight anymore! We ended up fighting anyway even when she thought the Wal*Mart story was true! So that was a whole big thing.

Then about two weeks later she found out that I wasn’t late because I was waiting in line so we had another big fight and then I agreed not to see Kasey until felt like she could trust me again. It also came out that Kimberly actually honest to God thought that Kasey and I had been sleeping together the whole time! What? I couldn’t believe that and at the time I actually felt bad that she had been feeling that way and it explained why she kept freaking out on me.

[Side Note - I know this is all a little long and confusing. I’m just trying to get it all out once and for all.}

So things were really strained in that time and Kimberly and I were almost constantly fighting. Kasey and I were still allowed to talk on the phone, but I felt like whenever we did I was under fire from Kimberly. It started to seem like no matter what I did she wouldn’t believe that she could trust me and that I didn’t cheat on her.

It was about a month into not being allowed to see Kasey when I started to wonder why not seeing her anymore bothered me so much. I am used to friends leaving me and I have always been fine. Not great because it tears me apart every time, but this was different. Perhaps because it wasn’t about the friend no longer caring about me it was outside forces keeping us apart. I don’t know. Kimberly and I kept fighting and things got worse and worse and without saying too much something happened that made it impossible for me to stay. Still I wasn’t sure that we couldn’t work it out.

I slept at my parent’s house that night. It was Saturday May 26. I stayed at my office until around 4:30 am when I finally made the drive over to my parent’s house. I didn’t want to go there because my mom thinks that me being gay is a phase and I didn’t want to add fuel to that fire. I was just really embarrassed about the whole thing, but I really just wanted everything to be over.

The next morning (late morning) Kimberly and I went to talk and get some Subway. We had broken up the night before, but we decided to take a week and work through it and see where things were at the end of the week. People this week ended up being the week from hell.

So….she ended up going to work and I was at my parent’s house feeling broken. We decided that we would sleep apart, but we wouldn’t see other people and me not being allowed to see Kasey alone was still in place. I don’t feel like I can trust many people so I called one of the only people I felt like I could trust to talk about what I was feeling and what was going on. That person was Kasey. She was very supportive of me and my feelings and she gave me advice on how I could help the situation. This was also the conversation where I knew I had much deeper feelings for Kasey. I knew that wasn’t good and I didn’t know what to do about it. It also ended up coming out that the feelings were mutual. So we agreed that we shouldn’t talk about it anymore and that no matter what we wouldn’t act on our feelings. At this time (even though they hadn’t been talking much and Kimberly was pretty much always pissed at her) Kasey and Kimberly were good friends and Kasey would never do that to a friend and I certainly wouldn’t cheat on Kimberly. So we ended the phone call and I did my best to figure things out.

What had happened between Kimberly and I on that Saturday night was still fresh in my mind and I couldn’t get away from the way I felt and the knowledge that it probably wouldn’t stop. I knew I had to make the decision to be on my own and stand up for myself. I just didn’t know how.

On Tuesday Kimberly and I went on a date and it was one of the hardest nights of my life because I love her and I could tell she was trying, but I just didn’t think it was going to work. I didn’t know how it could work. Wednesday we went on a real break and on Thursday we broke up for good. It was hard. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and it you put me back in time even with all my reasons for leaving I honestly don’t know if I could do it again. I felt so broken afterwards.

So that night I drove up to Stroudsburg to see Kasey because I needed someone to talk to about everything. Our friend Melissa was up so we went to the bar and I had a drink and I realized that one shouldn’t have a Cosmo when they haven’t had anything to drink all day. So I had some chips too. We went to another bar and then Siamsa to dance. Then I went back to Kasey’s house and ended up staying over because Melissa was staying there too and they had to get up early anyway.

That is the night that made everyone assume that Kasey and I were sleeping together. The next morning I went into work and that night Kasey and I talked nearly all night. The phone call was over 6 hours long and we talked about everything. I told her how I felt about my relationship with Kimberly and how scared I was. It was just a really good talk. There were light times too and we listened to music. We talked about how we needed to keep our feelings for each other on the back burner because of me just getting out of a huge relationship. So for now we would stay friends.

Kasey went on vacation with her friends over that weekend and we talked on the phone some. I saw her again on Sunday night. I was meeting her and we were going to go out to grab some dinner. I decided to tell her the real solid reason why I knew I had to leave Kimberly and I was so scared to tell her, but she was there for me. I made her promise that she wouldn’t tell anyone else or do anything about it and she has kept that promise to me.

Things between Kimberly and I became more strained during this. I wasn’t allowed to come home to get my things. Instead she packaged them up and dropped them in various places. She started having her mom call me about the money I owed her instead of calling me herself. I had to drop the money off to her mom. Plus she said she didn’t want to see me, but she would always be there when I was supposed to drop the money off.

When Kasey came back from her trip she had brought me a necklace and I had it on and Kimberly confronted me in a parking lot about it. The whole thing just wasn’t good and I was seeing a new side of Kimberly that I didn’t like.

Around this time I had been meeting Kasey’s mom and family and I was invited to go with her family to Myrtle Beach, South Carolina. I was so excited at the opportunity to get away from all the drama and the craziness. I don’t remember when, but Kimberly and I spoke a bit and she said she didn’t want me to go.

I think me going is what put the ultimate rift in our relationship, but after feeling like I had no control over my own life for those months and feeling like I had no one here for me I needed the vacation. I needed to do something for myself.

We haven’t spoken since before that trip. I called her on July 11 and she didn’t return that phone call. I had a birthday and she didn’t call me. The beautiful baby that used to be my niece had a birthday and not only was I not invited, but everyone in my family (people who have seen the baby in passing only a few times and aren’t friends with the baby’s mom) were invited and explicitly told not to bring me. That I wasn’t invited. I struggled with whether or not to send the baby a present and ultimately I decided not to.

Somehow though I think her not contacting me was for the best. I have always felt that I will always love her. She was my family for over six years. So I think it would have made it too hard for me to be strong in my decision to leave. I don’t know if I would have managed. So I guess it’s for the best. There was a point where I figured we would get together again someday and this rift has shown me that isn’t a possibility. It’s shown me that maybe she didn’t really love me anymore and it was just hard for her to let go of what I used to be to her. I don’t know.

On my birthday weekend in Philadelphia, when we were out to dinner at Buddakan, Kasey asked me if I would go out with her and I said yes. So we are dating right now in the literal sense as in we go on dates. I think things went too fast in my relationship with Kimberly (I mean by living together and stuff right away) so this time I want to go slower.

I haven’t felt any support really from my friends. Some tell me they are there for me, but don’t ask me how I am doing or feeling. The rift between us is obvious, but for some reason we are to pretend it isn’t there. Some have stopped talking to me completely. Some were never really there to begin with and so I am not surprised.

There are those of you who have been there for me and you know who you are and you know I love you and appreciate it.

I am excited to go to college and start over fresh. I am excited to meet new people and make new friends. I want friends who will care when I am depressed and losing myself and who will be happy for me when I am finally able to take a breath and feel happy again.

The bottom line is that I was loosing myself. I was drowning again and the only one who could save me was myself. I had to decide that I wanted to be okay. That I wanted to live. As hard as things have been and as much as I didn’t think I would make it. I finally don’t feel like I can’t look at myself in the mirror. I don’t feel ashamed of myself anymore. I just had to decide to save myself. All I wish I had was a little support.

I don’t regret my relationship with Kimberly. We got together at a time in our lives when we needed each other and I loved her. There was a time when I thought we would be together forever. When it was good it was amazing, but when it was bad it was unlivable. I wish she had loved me enough to let me go. I though we would be together forever until that last week together when I took a breath, looked around and realized that this was no way to live a life.

I’m sorry if anything I wrote here offends anyone. It’s the truth as much as I can tell it and I just needed to get it out or all these thoughts and evaluations would crush me. Back to normalness tomorrow.

Title: “Refuge” by John Legend

Last night was interesting. I began a new project with my magazines where I tear out the articles, pictures, recipes, etc…that I want to keep and then I am going to organize them into binders. I will be doing this until I die. Anyway it’s good because it’s going to take up a lot of my time when I am home alone and I am all for things to occupy my mind so I don’t have to think.

Well last night the whole getting my mind on other things failed abysmally. I had a notebook in my room and I was listening to music and getting ready to go to sleep and I decided to write a little in my notebook. Well a little turned into a lot and I started to remember things and feel bad and cry. So there I am in bed with a notebook and tissues, writing and crying. Then I decide to (against all advice) call Kimberly. I am sort of summing this up as an emotional version of a drunk dial. Of course she didn’t pick up and I guess I though, “Who doesn’t love emotional phone messages from their exes that they don’t even like anymore?” Hooray for having excellent decision making skills! That was sometime after midnight and I haven’t heard back. I doubt I will. Which is okay and completely understandable. I really just said that I hope she is doing okay because I haven’t heard from her in a while.

Perhaps this is why I haven’t been updating. I spend most of my time thinking about other things and doing other things and avoiding this. Then when I take a moment to think about it or write or anything I just break down. I don’t know how people do it. How people go through multiple breakups or how people split up after being with each other for decades. I just don’t know how people do it.

In other (happier) news I just found out my friend Kyle is in town from Boston, MA. That is exciting and he has promised to stop by my office tomorrow to see me. Woo! I haven’t seen him in a long time so it will be nice.

I also decided to add at the bottom where I got the title for my post from. In case you care. It’s another project I though would take sometime because I want to go back and add it to my old entries.

I think this is all I can handle for today. I love you guys.

Title: “Shades Of Blue” by Nick Lachey

I’m back. More specifically I am back to blogging. I’m not quite sure how it is going to go as I don’t really feel comfortable with everyone knowing about my personal life and I still feel a little under fire after the last month. However there are few things I love more than having this website and being able to get my thoughts out and after having a few breakdowns the past few days I think I am in dire need of a place to dump out my thoughts. I also love that I said I would be trying to update more. I did not intend for that to be a joke. There was no wireless in the villa we stayed in at Myrtle Beach and furthermore I didn’t even bring my computer.

I had a fantastic time, but I took barely any pictures. I’m a terrible photographer. I spend my time really taking things in and I inevitably forget to pull out the camera and take a picture. Kasey, the person whom I went on the trip with, did take pictures, but I haven’t gotten them yet. She is going to burn them on a disk for me and then I will put them up on Flickr.

I am still single. The first month actually wasn’t so bad. I think I kept myself busy enough that I wasn’t able to think about it. I also had so much anger about things and it was just a release of all that. I also had that trip I went on that really made me forget everything even existed. This month has been a lot harder. I’m really getting used to living alone. Sleeping alone is the hardest of all. I had no idea I was so used to having someone in bed with me. Things are generally just a bit lonely. It’s no one else’s fault but mine. I am just used to going out to see other people with Kimberly there. I’m not really good at talking on the phone and I would not know how to go about calling someone first to talk and I don’t know what I would say about it. I’m sure it will pass.

I get asked a lot of we’re still friends or if I have talked to her recently. I don’t know if we’re still friends or not. I guess it’s going to take time. We have not talked in a while and I have been told not to contact her so I am just letting things be. I guess that is all I can do.

I wanted to get this post out of the way so that I can update more normally tomorrow. So we’ll talk then.

Thank you so much for the comments and all the emails. I really really appreciate it.

Title: “Like This” by Kelly Rowland feat. Eve

Okay. I suppose the time has come to update. I wasn’t going to do so for a good long while, but after much urging to the contrary I decided to give in.

The reason for the break in my posting is that The Mrs. and I have split up. This happened officially on May 31, 2007. It’s been a rough two weeks to say the least.

So I guess it should be revealed that The Mrs. has a name and that name is Kimberly.

Kimberly and I have been in sparse communication for the past week and that has really been only to talk about distributing our things. I saw her on Wednesday and it did not go well at all.

Today I have to meet her mom at her mom’s job to drop off my second payment to her. That always makes me nervous. I’m worried someone is going to do or say something to me and I guess I just have to trust that will not happen. I owe Kimberly quite a bit of money for my tires, my laptop and some money I borrowed for various items. I’ll have that paid off by the end of June.

I went through my car and my room, which was hard because most of it was Christmas presents I bought her that she never took home and stuff from when we first got together. I didn’t want anything to happen to our notes and pictures and other couple stuff so I put that all into a box to keep it safe.

Through all of this I have felt like a bad person because I am the one who initiated the break-up. It’s really horrible knowing that you have caused someone so much pain, but I have to hope that it is for the best.

I haven’t even felt like telling my side of the story. I feel like people hate me and think that I am a horrible person who did horrible things and I have no motivation to say otherwise. I’m pretty much just letting everyone take her side. I don’t know why I have felt that way…so apathetic to it all, but I do.

I have never been in the situation before. I haven’t been single in a really long time. Right before Kimberly I was in an on-again-off-again relationship with a boy. So I suppose sometime when I was 15 was the last time I was really single.

As bad as it sounds part of being single is sort of great. I really enjoy being able to go wherever I want whenever I want and not having to answer to or tell a single person. It’s so…I don’t know…liberating? That part of it feels good.

There is definitely bad though. Don’t get me wrong. There is worry about whether I made the right decision. I remember how good things were sometimes. I remember how much I enjoyed the simple things like eating brownies while watching Grey’s Anatomy. How nice was to wake up next to someone every morning who cares about you. All the car trips, vacations and jokes. The anniversaries and celebrations we shared together. How she was almost my always. It’s hard. Really hard. I just have to trust that I did the right thing.

There were things about our relationship that were not perfect. Times that were anything, but happy and that left me feeling so sad and also like I couldn’t respect myself anymore. Every time that I looked in a mirror I would think bad things about myself. I would always feel like I was unworthy and could not do anything right. I didn’t want to hate myself anymore. I didn’t want to not be able to respect myself. I just could not do it. I really just couldn’t.

Leaving her was the single most difficult thing I have ever had to do and if you put me back in time a little over a week ago I don’t know if I could do it again. It was heartbreaking and emotionally exhausting. I also feel like I have lost so much and I have to begin from scratch. I am starting over. I am beginning anew.

It’s been most difficult giving up my dreams for us. I had pictures of us together years down the line. When we might have had a place of our own, good jobs and children.

I am missing my other family. I am missing Hanna. That little baby that I love so. The baby that I held in my arms the day she was born while she slept. Who I have changed hundred of diapers for. The baby that tried to imitate my dance for the first time at 6 months and who succeeded for the first time at 20 months. I wonder if she’ll even remember me. She not even three years old yet. I’ll remember her anyway. I hope that will be enough.

I want us to be friends, but I don’t know if that is at all possible at this point. As I mentioned we had that meeting on Wednesday and I think to say it didn’t go well is an understatement. I just don’t know. I guess I will have to wait and see.

Also as a last note for all those interested parties: I did not cheat on her, the reason I left has nothing to do with Kasey and Kasey and I are not having sex. (Blunt I know, but apparently it needs to be said.)

Thank you. I will attempt to post more in the near future, but this one was hard enough so I give you no promises.

Title: “Breaking Up Is Hard To Do” by The Carpenters

I’m watching my usual Boy Meets World this morning while getting dressed for work because everyone needs to learn those life lessons that Mr. Feeny has to offer.

The show cuts to commercials and eventually a commercial comes on for a furnature store called Rosen’s. Here is a little snip bit of our conversation.

The Mrs: I think I’m going to apply there.
Me: Really? Um, you know if you work there you will have to hassle people into buying furnature.
The Mrs: You do not have to hassle people. You just have to sell things…and anyway that’s why I’m not going to apply there.