From time to time people ask me for relationship advice. I sort of find this insane usually. I mean my last relationship sort of crashed and burned to the ground and that makes me feel VERY unqualified to give any sort of advice on relationships. People should be giving me advice, in my opinion. Then they bring up the point that my last relationship, even as bad as it was at times, made it to six and a half years and my current one just passed the one year mark so I must be doing something right.

I got to thinking about that. Is it really me doing something right? I don’t know. There are some things that I make sure to do especially in this new relationship to try to keep things fresh and the romance alive. It’s just what works for me. I think everyone has to find what works best in their own situation. In any case, I bring you this list of my favorite relationship advice.

1. Take all relationship advice with a grain of salt. This sort of echoes what I wrote above, but it bears repeating. What might work perfectly for one couple may turn weird and awkward in your own. I enjoy reading relationship articles and I would say about 85% of the time I find the advice to be complete crap. Especially if that advice is found in Redbook. (For instance, I recently read an article on sweet little things you can do to show your significant other that you care. One of the tips was sneak onto “his” computer and change “his” screen saver to a picture of you. That might be sweet to someone, but in most cases I think it would be taken as creepy, narcissistic and it lacks respect for the others privacy.)

2. Do the little things that show you care. Last night I had to pick Kasey up at work at 9:00 pm. She seemed stressed and tired when I talked to her on the phone earlier so I wanted to something special for her. So I called her favorite restaurant an hour before she was done working and ordered her BBQ wings to go. I had to drive a half hour to pick them up and a half hour back, but when I told her I had gotten her dinner she seemed so touched it was supremely worth it. It cost about $10 for the wings and fries and $5 for the gas, but meant so much to her. It’s hard to remember to do something everyday, but I think doing something nice at least 3 times a week is a great start.

3. Be an individual and have your own interests. Sure Kasey thinks me making 1000 paper cranes is insane, but she enjoys telling people I’m into origami and talking to me about it. Would she ever eat eel? Probably not. However, she is always more than willing to pick me up some sushi and she loves that I am adventurous with foods. I could also go into rants about feminism and how I hate it when women walk all over rights other women fought for and she’ll nod and listen. On the other hand I find it really sexy how much she loves music and how she plays the drums and the piano. We don’t like the same movies all the time, but few things are cuter than her telling me all about some trailer she saw for some new action movie. Oh and the reading. How hot is a butch that can read for hours? I love that! I don’t want to be with someone just like me and I don’t think anyone would.

4. Have sex. Sex is one of those topics I am unbelievably open about conversationally, but I keep it to a whisper here. I’m not unlike a gay man with my sexual desires so I try to keep that to myself online as much as possible. In any case, I think it’s very important to the well being of a relationship to have consistent sex. I’m currently not sure myself how consistent that should be. I guess it’s something you should figure out for yourself, but in any relationship I think you shouldn’t let anymore than two months pass without having sex with each other. It helps keep that bond alive and makes you feel closer. Even better is if you can agree on new sexual situations that you both want to explore. That will make the bond even deeper. (Though exploring something your not comfortable with will have the adverse effects.) I have been trying to keep the love alive so to speak about twice a week, but I’m not sure if this is too much or not. Personally, I’m one of those people who thinks it could never be too much. (TMI?)

5. Speak up for yourself. This is probably the one I am worst at. Sometimes it is hard to be assertive and tell the other one when you are ticked off. To keep a relationship functioning properly it’s really important to bring it up when something is ticking you off. Do it in a productive way, though. Don’t just freak out about something and start yelling. Bring it up calmly and tell them what is bothering you.

6. Be uplifting. Maybe your partner has big dreams. Whats wrong with a little ambition? As long as they aren’t letting it rule their lives they will feel really good about you supporting them. It’s also important to compliment their good points. Did they wash the dishes, clean up after the pets, remember to call you? Let them know how much you appreciate that. What about their appearance? New haircut? Wearing a nice outfit? Tell them! Everyone likes getting complimented, your partner included.

7. Don’t try to get them to be someone their not. If the person you are with drinks a lot of beer and watches sports daily don’t get committed to them thinking they will change. Maybe they will, but more then likely that is just part of who they are. If you can’t deal with that then they probably aren’t for you. This brings me to my next point…

8. Know when to call it quits. This is a big one. It’s also hard. Sometimes it just isn’t working out and as hard as you try it’s just not going to work. You can drag it out and both be miserable or you can go your separate ways and find someone who is better for you. This might make you miserable for a while to, but no one should compromise themselves or who they are for someone else.

9. Be comfortable around the other person. You know that commercial where the woman promises never to wear a flannel nightgown? I hate that commercial. If you can’t handle the thought of your future partner in a flannel nightgown you can’t handle marriage. I will certainly be sleeping in comfortable pajamas. I will walk around the house in sweatpants. You know what? It certainly makes them take notice when the sexy lingerie comes out. You should be able to be yourself around your spouse. Myself wears sweats at home and talks about how much my vagina hurts when I have my period.

10. Touch is important. I read once that the average American couple only touches twice a day including sex. That really surprised me. I think touch is so important. It is comforting and will bring you and your partner closer. Add in little bits of touch to your day. Perhaps a massage before bed? Stroking their face? Rubbing their head? It all makes a big difference in how close the two of you feel.

11. Does your face light up? Sometimes Oprah may seem full of crap, but some of her advice has really impacted my life. She was once talking about how it’s important when looking at children for your face to light up when you see them or when they walk in the room. It shows that you love them, care about them and are happy to see them. It’s great advice that I think has a huge impact. I think it’s great to use it with your significant other too. Does your face show them how happy you are to see them?

12. A kiss goodbye and a friendly greeting make all the difference. It takes so little time to kiss your partner goodbye, but many times it’s overlooked. It’s a little thing that really means a lot. Also when reuniting after a day apart take a little time to reconnect. How was your day? It’s so lovely to see you. Again the little things that mean a lot. I hear you. I see you. I love you.

13. Find new things to experience with each other. Whether it’s going to a new town together, trying a new restaurant or taking a class together to learn something new it’s fun and exciting to try something new with your partner. It gives you more to talk about and maybe you both love it and maybe you don’t, but it’s important to switch up the routine sometimes.

I think that’s all I have for now. Perhaps I’ll update when I think of more.

What do you guys think? What is some of your best relationship advice?

I am a commitment person. Now as far as being legally married I don’t really care. Paper or no paper if I take a vow to someone I consider that to be binding. Even though if it should end there is no legal divorce to go through the process is still by no means an easy one.

I feel more at ease when I have someone with me. I feel more at ease when I am living with someone. This seems strange to many people. I hear people talk about needing there space and hating having the other person around all the time. I feel better when someone else has their things mixed in mine. I feel better when there is someone else’s laundry mixed with mine. Feeling someone’s back against mine while we sleep. I like being able to have someone help me figure out where to eat dinner, what movie to see, where to go and what to do. I appreciate the help doing things I don’t care to do like cooking and dishes. I enjoy late night talks and other late night activities. I love having someone to go with me places where I hate being alone like the doctor and the store. I find it helpful to have someone point out the other side of a situation. I appreciate having my morals kept in check.

It’s hard to compile a list of things I don’t like about being in a long-term relationship. I guess I could say always feeling nervous about going to the bathroom because I am a freak like that. Also perhaps not being able to just watch the movies I want to watch when I want to watch them. At least while sharing an 8×10 living space. I could also say arguing, but lately I am learning to appreciate arguments as an opportunity to say how I am feeling and understand how my actions are affecting the other person.

I was never the girl fantasizing about getting married. I used to fantasize about being a teen mother and raising my child alone. (Seriously.) When my ex and I talked about having a ceremony those two times I enjoyed briefly thinking about what I might wear and flowers. Where and when. Still I never thought it would ever happen and so I didn’t get too into the thought. I never dreamed about it. I never pined for certain colors or where we would honeymoon.

That is starting to change in me. I still don’t believe weddings should be so expensive. I can’t imagine spending $10,000 + on a party when I could use that money for a home, furnishings for that home and a romantic getaway. I would be thrilled to have a wedding that costs $500.

Still…there are those wedding thoughts. Thoughts I have never really had before.

I enjoy thinking about sharing a house and going off to work and coming home to the same person.

I do worry that all these thoughts are too much. That you really can’t be sure of any feelings so soon. Then again you can spend almost 7 years with a person and still not be sure. I think sometimes you just need to take a chance.

Don’t get me wrong. I am far from engaged. Who knows if that will ever happen. I am just thinking thoughts that are new for me and I needed to let them exit my mind.
At the same time I am also thinking this might be it for me. This new relationship I am in is such a whirlwind romance. If it ended I don’t know how I would handle another relationship. I think I would hate romance after this. Right now it feels very real and very wonderful and if something happens I worry it would ruin my views of love. On the marriage front…let’s imagine Kasey and I stay together for maybe 4 years before ending it and we’ve gotten married in that time. Am I prepared for the possibility that I could be 27 years old and twice divorced? I don’t know. I don’t know if I would want to get married again.

I remember saying once when I was around 13 that I would never get married, but if I did end up getting married I would probably get married and divorced several times. I was always amused by that, but I hope that isn’t the case. Then again maybe I would enjoy that sort of life.

I can’t imagine myself being alone. I’m scared that I will have had my two great loves early on and then have a hard time being able to love someone after that.

I’m so pessimistic to be worrying about the possibility of divorce before I should even be thinking about engagement. I’ll stop myself now. Just some stuff I needed to let go of.

Thanks for listening to me.

When Kasey and I want to feel more in love with each other we watch Bridezillas. The people on this show are such spectacles that Kasey and I constantly find ourselves pausing the tivo to process the horrors we have just seen. Sometimes we pause it to turn to each other and say, “Thank you so much for being sane!”. Other times we just have to wonder how these people end up together and how on earth they would ever think marriage is a good idea. For anyone who talks up the sanctity of marriage? You need to watch this show at least once.

The most explosive episodes are the ones where the bride is completely out of her mind and she and the groom don’t exactly like each other. This was the case with last night’s episode which featured a charming woman named Dawn. WeTV doesn’t have her info page up yet, but they did have this interview. (Watch at your own risk.) This woman was Crazy. (Yes, with the capital C and everything.) She berated her fiance for the entire time she was one camera. She didn’t flip so much about the things regular woman on this show flip about she was happy just insulting her husband to be while he just took it. To me it seemed like he had to like it. Almost as if they were those sort of creepy s&m couples that enjoy humiliating each other in public. She also at one point was screaming at him while he just stood there and afterwards was upset that he had just screamed at her. Meanwhile, she was the only one that had been screaming! Usually these couples are fascinating and humorous to watch. Dawn was just uncomfortable. Their level of tension made me feel tense and I can’t believe they actually went through with it and got married. What her fiance should have done was check her in somewhere. She seemed like a stay in a mental instituation would have done her some good.

One great scene was her sending her husband to boot camp to lose weight before the wedding. She (being about the same exact size as him) yelled at him and called him during his work out while eating (I am not kidding) about 4 donuts. I would have LOVED to hear what the trainer had to say about that.

There was another couple on the show this season though where the bride was at the level where she wasn’t even a bridezilla, she was just insane. Her name was Lisa and the grooms name was Andrew. You could tell he didn’t really love her (and with good reason) but he was marrying her anyway because he felt it was better than being alone. I would say being alone would have it’s perks. They had even been married once before!

When I am watching these episodes I am typically in awe that these people end up being together and getting married. I guess I just find it sad that people settle and think that they have to endure this sort of behavior. I know that people sometimes think that behavior before a wedding is just stress and they will calm down after marriage. I tend to think it’s a warning and the behavior will only get worse.

I’ll keep watching, but only because looking at all the crazy people out there makes me feel better about my life.

I recently heard the song “Handlebars” by the Flobots in the car with Kasey. She was playing her iPod and it is one of the songs that came up. The song itself was powerful enough, but she told me I should check out the videos.

The first one I found was an earlier version then the animated one she had mentioned. I watched them both and I highly suggest you do the same. I found them very moving and they gave me a lot to think about. If you are wary of graphic content you might want to watch the second one here only. It’s still intense, but the first one feature actual footage.

It’s so interesting the ways a person’s life can turn out. To think that one day some of the people in this world who do heinous things were once little children like everyone else who grew up and started to make a chain of bad decisions. To think that sometimes things are done that seem reasonable, but have terrible effects on other people. Such as the child stamping all those papers. She (possibly he) gets into the groove after a short while and hey it’s actually a little fun. Then you see that the stamp says, FIRED. Then you start to think of all of those people who would then be without jobs and possibly be no longer able to pay their bills or take care of their children.

There is a lot to be said about these situations and what these two videos and this song brings up, but to the point where I almost don’t know where to begin. It brings to mind a saying I have heard, “Here but by the grace of God that could have been me.” I’m not sure who said it. I really don’t like that saying because it implys that God graces some people to suffer and others not to. I get the sentiment, to be thankful and aware because it could be any of us, but I suppose it just rubs me the wrong way.

I don’t want to live my life blindly aware of the atrocities going on. I have often said that if I was alive in the 1960s I would not have stood by and watched while the civil rights movement was going on. I would have been in there. I would have been doing something about it. Would I have really? Sometimes I feel like I stand by all the time while awful things happen without doing anything about it. Granted they aren’t happening right in front of me, but they are still going on. What do I do? I blog about rabbits, eat cupcakes and go on trips to buy soap.

I know we are all (well most people I know) scared to die, but if we are going to do so shouldn’t we die doing something noble? I’m not talking about serving our country either. I support the troops, but I don’t believe in war. I don’t believe that we can end violence with violence. I am talking about putting your life on the line to save someone else. I am talking about seeing someone with a gun, ready to shot. You have the chance to get that gun away from them and save someone else, but you might die in the process. Could you do it? I used to think above all other things I could, but now I am not so sure.

There is the Fight-Flight response, which we can’t control. It’s biological. So to some extent there will always be those who simply in the face of danger have no other ability than to run and perhaps that is the smarter thing to do.

I suppose these videos just brought up a lot of thoughts about disconnection from other humans and the world around us as a whole. I don’t want to be the type of person that lets violence and atrocities happen around me by turning a blind eye. I’m also not sure I have it in me to do what needs to be done.

I am 100% German and I used to say (and sometimes still do say) that I would have rather been taken by the Nazis and be put into a concentration camp and possibly killed than go about my normal life in Germany knowing that is going on all around me. I am a little terrified at the thought that I might not have actually been able to go through with that. Then again I am a lesbian, so they could have just as easily targeted me anyway. (Or was that only gay men?)

Isn’t standing by and letting someone pull the trigger just as bad as pulling the trigger yourself?

On a sort of lighter note I also enjoyed this video for “Going On” by Gnarls Barkley

Intense in it’s own way, but a little lighter and more upbeat.

I came across this quote in a magazine and it really made me think. It makes me think about how I carry myself. Sometimes I worry that I am too passive. In fact, I know in relationships I am too passive. I hate making decisions. It’s nice for me to have someone take over and give me something less to worry about. It makes me happy when the person I care about is happy. Sometimes I fear making choices because I can’t handle it if what I choose doesn’t make the other person happy I can’t handle that. Really it’s based on my anxiety, but I’m not sure what to do about it.

I don’t believe I let other people walk all over me, but I find it very challenging to be assertive. It’s something that I really need to work on.

Honestly, it has come up as a problem in my current relationship a few times. Kasey wants me to stick up for myself and be a more assertive person. As simple as telling her what I want to eat for dinner that night.

If you have any tips on this please give them up. I don’t want to be passive in my relationships, but I also don’t really feel like I am suppressing anything about myself. I feel like I don’t care about many things I am pretty go with the flow. So if there is something I don’t mind so much, but they have an opinion about it, like what to do with our evening. So I don’t like to decide because if they are happy, I’m happy. I don’t know.

You have probably heard about PostSecret. Well I have been seeing some of my favorite bloggers doing something like CommentSecret. I participated at The Art of Overthinking. The again at Loralee’s Looney Tunes. When I saw Natalie doing it at Tell Me About It, I knew I had to get in on it. I’m a joiner like that.

There are no specifications. I changed my settings so that you can leave an anonymous comment.

You can write a secret you are keeping, something you feel about me, a lie you told, anything.

My only requirement (because I am mean like that) is that you post SOMETHING. So however you stumbled upon this entry, whether you usually read me or not if you are reading this right now you have to participate. (Because it’s more fun that way!)

Okay?

Go!

I’ll add mine sometime before tomorrow.

I have spent a few hours looking at pictures of curvy girls looking amazing in dresses. Amazing! I have been wearing a much joked about “uniform” of blue jean skirt with top since 2004, for reals. I buy many other items of clothing, but I hate feeling uncomfortable in my clothing and most other items I own make me feel uncomfortable.

I have to figure out a way to change this. Perhaps have a massive wardrobe sale on eBay?

I mean look at this woman. Does she not look amazingly cute in her dresses and cardigans? Man. I think it gets my attention because she dresses in EXACTLY my style and she looks pulled together and gorgeous.

I usually feel like Toula from My Big Fat Greek Wedding before the make-over. I’m frump girl. Don’t tell Kasey I said that either because she always thinks I look well dressed and beautiful and while I love her for that I feel like I should be doing better.

My wardrobe gets the crap worn out of it. I have about 7 of the same exact ill-fitting horizontal striped shirts in different colors. I just need something different. I need a change and I’m not sure how to get there.

This has been a pretty dark year for me. I am happy, but some things have weighted on me and I am not the giddy person I used to be.

I really want to get back there. I think better clothing and more self-confidence will help get me there.

And also perhaps more sleep. I haven’t gone to sleep before 1:00 am any night this week and I have to be to work at 9. This doesn’t lead to a happy, shiny demeanor for me at work.

So that is one of my new goals. To create a new wardrobe for myself with no money and absolutely no sewing talent. This should be fun!

I am pretty sensitive. If you met me you probably wouldn’t guess that about me. In group situations I am usually able to come off as tough, sure of myself and a tad outrageous. That’s why I chose my site tag line to be Surprisingly Fragile.

This hyper-sensitivity might make women’s studies seem like such a hard field for me to get into because a lot of what feminists have to deal with is so sad. I just feel like we can rise above that. I feel like the more women and men educate themselves and really open themselves up to the world around them the more changes can be made. I feel like women and men should get paid the same for the same job, even though they say we do and we still don’t. I believe that laws to protect women should be better enforced. I also believe that men should start to be more accountable for themselves as well as the acts of other men and be strong enough to stand up when they see something happening they know isn’t right. This article about a girl who was assaulted TWICE on a college campus while other men watched and CHEERED broke my heart. I agree with Anne Frank. I do believe, despite everything that goes on in the world, that people are generally good. I believe in the goodness of others. So I don’t believe that every single man watching that happen agreed with what was being done. This girl fought back. She fought back against a group of men and ran to freedom. I bet there were men that stood by and watched and were too scared to do anything about it. I don’t think that is excusable any longer. Even if it scares you. Even if you are shaking while you are doing it it is necessary to speak out about what is wrong.

I spent a long time being quiet. I didn’t want to stir things up and events in my last relationship made me feel like I would be a hypocrite if I spoke out for other women. I have found my voice.

Other things I read that have been breaking my heart?

I had a really hard time for some reason hearing about Finslippy. I cried all through that entry. I feel like sometimes the world makes things seem so hard sometimes. You want good things to happen to good people. There are too many people with children who don’t deserve them (case in point: the recent incident Loralee had with neighbors who allow their 9 year old access to porn) and good people who are having such problems getting pregnant.

I just…I don’t know. I didn’t write this to try and bring anyone down. I am thinking about all of you and the various troubles going on and the things I have read and I feel overwhelmed.

This is really resonating with my right now.

So I had a really good time yesterday and I do have stories to tell. However right now I am a little freaked because I just saw An Inconvenient Truth. Holy shit. Have you guys seen this? I mean…I’m not an idiot. I know global warming is the real deal. I just didn’t realize how real. I mean, I did kind of buy into thinking it was still part of the normal warming and cooling patterns…it is so not. I can’t believe all this info is available and being shown world wide and people are still to skeptical to do something about it. That I totally do not get. Even by some ridiculous chance global warming is a “hoax” who would not benefit from working to treat our planet better and being resourceful. Doing better for the environment is win-win and I just don’t understand anymore why people continue to ignore it. If you haven’t seen this movie yet please RENT IT. It will astound you.

What do you guys think?

Don’t worry I’ll be on to more pressing issues soon like how I spent my Saturday and showing you guys the out of control rash I now have due to my new deodorant. (Yes, I had Kasey take pictures.)

One new skill I am attempting to acquire is the art of the argument. In my last relationship our fights were explosive. They started out that way because we got together when we were both 16 and lacked the social skills to construct a proper argument that went anywhere. We also started living together a few months after we were dating. So we were in a very mature relationship very quickly and we just didn’t understand how to fight with good results. Even at the times when our relationship was at it’s best it is the one problem we could never seem to overcome.

I also feel that I am a very frustrating person to argue with. I get overwhelmed very easily and I also panic. I see the argument coming and I don’t want to fight. So from the time the fight begins my number one concern is how to make it end. This includes apologizing profusely even when I don’t think it is my fault or if that doesn’t work stomping around and yelling. Yeah. I might also shut down and not be able to talk about it or deal with any of it. Honestly, not being able to talk at all. Or for an added boost of enjoyment I might start shaking and hyperventilating. I might also storm out of the room. Unless I am so angry I can’t think straight I will also begin to cry hysterically at some point.

My point being that I don’t fight well. At all.

I don’t want to history to repeat itself. Ever. I often worry about how fights between Kasey and I will go, but we haven’t really had any serious arguments yet. Have you ever seen that new show Carpoolers? We sort of fight like Cindy and Dougie only more realistic. We have a misunderstanding that hurts one of our feelings, we tell the other person, I usually cry (no matter what), we talk about it and make up.

So…I know I should be happy that we haven’t had any big fights yet. I mean…in 7 months that should be a good thing, but I really do worry about it. I used to hear about those couples who never fought and I found them ridiculous liars. Of course they fight! They just don’t want to tell anyone. They want to seem perfect. If my last relationship went a week without some sort of blowout I was pretty happy. I just thought that was normal. Normal couples fight a lot…right? Now I am not so sure.

I can’t imagine having those sorts of fights with Kasey. She has mentioned it before too. In August she mentioned that she was nervous about our first fight and how it would go. We’re still waiting.

Of course, things aren’t always roses. We do disagree. We just don’t yell at each other. I don’t feel nervous and I am calmer. We have been able to talk things out and see the other person’s perspective. Is it sad that this fascinates me?

I wish our relationship had been able to have a more normal beginning. I wish that I was able to feel like I could talk about things more on this website. Maybe someday I will. When I want to talk about something that I can’t write about here I write it down in a notebook. I want to share that stuff with you guys. All of these new feelings and events that make someone think that this could be it.

I know I shouldn’t say this here. I shouldn’t say this at all. It’s so private and intimate and new. Guys…I think this could be it. I don’t mean because of our arguing style. I know plenty of couples that love each other and still fight often. I don’t mean that. I just mean all of the things I feel like I can’t write about online. They make me feel like this is so right. This feels like it fits. She could be the one.

Did I just type that on an entry I am going to share with the world? I am infatuated with hearing other people’s love stories. How did they meet? How did they know they wanted to be together forever? I feel like it is way too soon to be feeling this way…I have been feeling this way for a long time. I know people who met, got engaged 4 weeks later, married 5 months later and still happily married 12 years in. I’m not saying that we are going to get married. (I’ll have to write a post about marriage soon anyway.) I am just saying that everything feels right at this moment. I’m really genuinely happy.